Wednesday, December 31, 2014

"My favorite thing about the New Year is that it allows for a magical sense of renewal and a chance to start fresh."
It is the day we resolve to leave the past behind and move forward. It is the day we fill ourselves up with courage and tell ourselves this is the year we will start doing more of the things we want and stop doing the things that don’t matter.
With every new year comes the chance to change our mindsets, eliminate negativity and choose to move forward. There is a reason we are told the best is yet to come.
This year, make a resolution you can keep. Stop doing things that are no longer in your best interest. Here are 15 things you must STOP doing in 2015 to truly move forward and live this year to the fullest:

1. Stop showing and telling everything to everyone.

The world does not need to know your every move; leave some things to the imagination. Mystery is good.

2. Stop comparing yourself to others.

What you see is NOT what you get, or even what the true reality of a situation is. We all spend way too much of our time comparing our lives to others; yet, we all forget that the pictures we see of others on Instagram and Facebook are simply highlights of their lives.
They aren’t the everyday; they aren’t the struggle; they aren’t the bad hair day. They are the edited, Photoshopped and posed highlight reel of a momentary highlight of someone else’s life.

3. Stop worrying about what others think of you.

People will judge you regardless of what you do, so do what you want. There’s nothing wrong with walking your own journey on a path you create.
You don’t have to do, like or want the things that other people try, love or desire. Start that blog, write that article or wear that outfit about which you’ve been hesitant. In the great words of Kid Cudi, “They gon’ judge me anyway, so whatever.”

4. Stop waiting.

If you don’t take the chance or risk it all now… when will you? Time will always be hard to find. Start now and go after what you want, or wait for later and hope that later isn’t too late.

5. Stop doubting.

If you have an idea or feeling that keeps coming back to you, make it happen. When an idea keeps coming back, it’s for a reason. Take action and follow the ideas that flood your mind. Million-dollar ideas are a dime a dozen, but it’s only one in a million who follow through with their ideas.

6. Stop being a stranger.

We’re all in this together. When you give the world the best you have, the best comes back to you. Be good to people. Popularity fades, kindness does not.

7. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

You are not a victim; it’s time to get out of your own way. If you find yourself constantly surrounded by drama, you are the one enabling it.
You will never be able to control what others do; however, you are in full control of how you react. Realize that you can overcome hard times. Instead of attending your own pity party, you can accept the fact that only you can change your thoughts and experiences.
You have the power to control your feelings.

8. Stop standing in your own way.

The thoughts in your head about yourself and your situation really do affect your life. Make sure your worst enemy doesn’t reside in-between your own ears.
Follow your intuition and learn that nothing that lasts is started through force. If you have to force it, leave it behind.

9. Stop feeling guilty.

There is a difference between moving on and quitting. Understand that it’s okay to grow out of things. You don’t have to want the same things you wanted when you were 16, 18, 21 or 25…
Life changes, and so do we. Staying where you are and living with guilt or fear is a guaranteed trip to nowhere. You’re allowed to move on and miss it at the same time. Missing something or someone doesn’t make you weak; it makes you real.

10. Stop thinking money creates value.

Don’t overvalue short-term benefits. Higher pay doesn’t equate to a job that will make you feel complete. A significant other with a nice car doesn’t equal a lifetime of happiness.
Choose a job that will give you experience, more opportunities and tons of room for professional and personal growth. Choose a relationship based on someone’s heart, not bank account.

11. Stop feeling obligated.

Don’t make decisions based on what you think you SHOULD do.
Don’t take advice from people who don’t have to live with the result of the decision. Make decisions based on what you WANT to do. It’s your life and you’ll have to live with the choices you make. You don’t need to choose the mediocre when greatness exists.

12. Stop saying “yes” all the time.

No is a complete sentence. You owe no one an explanation for not wanting to go out, not wanting to take a drink, not wanting to stay over, not wanting to go to the reunion.

13. Stop thinking everything is a competition.

The true definition of power is how much you can give back, and not just monetarily. Being powerful is like being classy: If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.

14. Stop trying to be like everyone else.

Once and for all, own who you are, own where you’ve been, and don’t be afraid to tell your story.

15. Stop thinking you have to get it right on the first try.

No one else has it figured out, either. There is no guidebook or perfect formula, and often, life works much more as a process of elimination to figure out what we want.
We learn more and more about ourselves and the things that truly make us happy every day — and more importantly, the things that don’t. There are moments in life when everything is blurry and moments everything seems to be in focus.
Just like the lens of a camera, you have the power to adjust your vision. And, even on the darkness days, where you can’t see anything, just keep moving forward. It’s the only constant and forever the direction in which we all must go.
If you have to force it, leave it behind.

Friday, December 19, 2014

I just keep on melting when I even think about it just once. for him to be massaging me and to lick me and caress my vulnerable skin.

Just keep swimming and loving unconditionally. Do sickness and in health

From now and until I will forever love you. him . me. We are just bodies with memories and words and to often give lessons. lectures. a love that is so bright it goes beyond the know how and the good days. It goes from the recesses of my mind and back into my fingers as I continue to write such beautiful words on pages. -Thoughts cam inspired by "Swinging on the 'Ville by Mark O'Conner wit Jon Burr and Frank Vignola on Hot Swing!

I noticed that while I was on Molly the teeth would chatter and mouth would clench but when I kissed him all of those things i felt in my mouth disappeared to me just loving him even deeper. Until I can no longer contain myself as we unravel to another world.


The last blog was just pointless and brought nothing to the table but sad things. Here is the BLOG:

Sunday, December 7, 2014

He always tells me "what do you want to do?" "what do you want to eat?" "it's up to you. It's what he seems to say all of the time. But when he got angry and then later texted me saying "it's like i'm secondary to you" Really? You say you don't care about whatever we do, about how it's All me saying what we should do but it seems like you get VERY upset if it's like that for too long. I mean he's throwing me into a confusing circle. I'm feeling very drained right now. I want to do what he wants to do but it just seems like he has no plans.

Moving on, I'm feeling robotic writing this down because i've thought about it in my head way too long that it seems pointless to think about how this could be bad. But he says he has sexual frustrations. Why? We get each other off all the time. Or like when he's over here he's jerking off. I'm fine with it and i'm fine giving it to him, but i don't like having sex all the time- especially when i'm feeling dirty down there and just not feeling good about myself. I like to feel clean mostly if it does evolve me doing it with him. And sex isn't exactly my first priority after feeling depressed the last few days and freaking out over finals and wether or not i'm going to pass or fail or what i'm going to do with my life. And btw i've asked several times how he's doing with school and the last time we talked anything serious about school he failed to mention to me that he dropped 2 of his classes. And i'm pretty sure it's because he was over here in MD all the time which I love him to be with me and I love that he had helped me tremendously in the beginning to pass math.

It's my own fault that I didn't study like I should have and my fault that I copied and was too lazy to study for the test. My own fault I didn't go to a tutor like I should have. But i was dragging him down with me when I asked him to help me with the test. He's been over in MD a lot which suffered for him and i for school. I told him in the beginning it would be bad if we kept on seeing each other every thursday and he got upset with that idea so we didn't do the idea of us seeing each other every other weekend which in the long run was bad for both of us. Because we both suffered from doing poorly in most classes.

I also don't like that he is saying or it seems like he is saying this is all my fault that I'm treating him like he's secondary. I am like a puppy dog on a leash to him. I want to do whatever he wants to do but it seems like I always have to make up what we do even though I ask him and he just says "whatever you want to do" which frustrates me because now he's saying he's second aka he doesn't get to decide what to do. Which i think is Bull.

I just want to know what is in his head. I don't like that he just runs away from his problems and gets upset. I don't know what the hell he is thinking and it frustrates me that he juste gets upset and drives away. Like I'm supposed to know what he's thinking? If he just told me what's going on then we can figure out how to fix it. How to make me less of a spoiled rotten girl. How to have him make the decisions without getting me upset. I told him in the very beginning how he spoils me so and he said he liked doing that and I like him like him doing that. But I don't like how i'm so spoiled that I can't think for others that I think only for myself sometimes and I used to not be like that. I used to be the giver and like holding doors open for people and I liked being independent in my own way. I don't want to ever break up with him and I want to try so hard making this work but I can't make it work  if he won't open up to me and open up with out getting emotionally upset.

I think we are both just stressed out about finals and moms and what we are going to do with our lives that silly things like sex and he said she said gets in the way about how we hang out together.

I don't know what to say anymore unless I know what's going on in his head. Why he got like this so fast. Why today when he promised he would help me study. I know I didn't even try to study this week but I got depressed. Life was not worth living for me at a time which i can't believe i even thought of that. But that makes me sound so selfish and selfish I don't want to be anymore.

I went to the grave site today right after he left. I prayed to God this time.. not my dad. I said I was sorry for doubting his existence. Deep down I know he has to be there somewhere and that I will pray to him sometimes now. That I'm praying to him today because i have no one else to talk to. The one person I love more than my family is driving back to Richmond and I feel hopeless, I feel like I don't know where to go, what to do, what my purpose is in life. That I need help passing math with at least a D. I just wish James would pick up the phone and talk to me. Express what he's feeling. Say those harsh words that I know to be true. I need him to say it to me so i can learn from my mistakes so i can apologize for being a horrible gf like i've been to every other bf i've been with and to jut start over with my life. I don't know who I am anymore.








Monday, October 13, 2014

I hate my Lymes Disease. I wish I never even heard that I had it. I feel like I am always blaming this thing and am constantly feeling depressed over it. I don't like that I don't feel motivated to study, do homework or just be self-displined. I get frustrated easily and I hate when James does my homework without helping me to understand what I am supposed to be doing. I know that he is trying to help but when he tries to tell me I get very frustrated because my Lyme brain doesn't want to listen-doesn't want to learn.

I Want to Move into a Tribe

Do you really think it's easy to up and drop out of college? The answer is no. Everyone might think it's easy but you have to calculate mother breathing down your back to graduate- "If you drop out now you will waste all of this time and money! And you will have to pay 6 months from when you drop out!" All those stupid bills from going to college to get a degree and to make a larger amount of cash than people who didn't go to college. Whoop-de-doo. Except it's not all fun. My gut is telling me to quit but my brain is telling me to stay so you don't have to work a lot right now to pay and so you can get a better paying job. But I don't even want to work. I want to be that stay at home mom. That mom that slaves away to cleaning up after my kids not cleaning up after my mom. I want to live my life already without the stresses of life. I'm coming up to that point again where I really hate life and all that you have to do just to survive out there in the world and deal with the same bullshit people. Isn't there something grander out there than what I'm doing/going through right now? None of these classes will make a difference when it's all said and done and if that's the case then why am I still here? Why am I taking these class and struggling day to day and stressing day to day on if I will score at least a 70% of homework and tests. I've been in school for 8 years now at which point if I would have pursued Veterinarian School then I could've just about done with that. But no, I am here in Shepherd- a shitty school where they peck your brains out and demand you to think beyond the box but really you aren't thinking at all. You are really thinking inside the box. When you don't give a crap anymore that's when you start to do well- well for the arts anyway and I call a huge BULL SHIT on that. And now I'm stuck with my "last" semester of classes on Gen. Ed's and I can't even study well without complaining my head off about doing these stupid ridiculous fucking problems just to fail another exam and to not understand another homework. It's like College is purposely setting you up for failure if you aren't that "A" student. Why go to college if you are just going to struggle and end of shooting yourself for feeling like a nobody. For feeling depressed all of the time because school is bringing you down and because you suck at studying and doing well. You suck at the very thing you are supposed to be good at because you go to college for your parents happiness. What about my happiness? What about my needs? God forbid I say those magic words to cause chaos raining down on me.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

What a Wild 5 Months it Has Been

To catch up on life:

sometime in August on the same day everything crazy happened. James and I came at the same time around 4:00pm and his mom permanently kicked me out of her house, called the police and called me a slut, bitch, stupid girl and a number of un true things. I was crying the whole time and of course her son was innocent.

End of September I did Lucy and smoked a lot of potted plants and did a lot of Molly.

Beginning of October (Cocktober) I quit my bc pills because they were messing with my body where I would have loss of appetite, huge headaches, weak feeling, cramps, and sometimes depressed. We had sex a few times during my missing pill income and after I stopped. I took some tests and am not pregnant. I will double and triple check though jut to be sure next week and the following week.

I very strongly want to get pregnant with James because I know he is the one. But it would be very complicated if I did now especially with the stupid (his) mom situation and us trying to finish school. I should have just quit when I went to HCC and got my A.A. degree. Too late for that now. Is it sad that I am hoping to be pregnant so I don't have to finish school.. ever? But that would mean a lot of money wasted and I still would owe the school money.. Sigh*

I  have been cleaning the house once a week to earn to drive down to Richmond on breaks but it's slow going and today I don't feel like doing anything. Life sucks right now and all I want to do is live with James in Richmond. I know a fairy tale ending. Life gets in the way of living the American Dream. Life and school and mothers and people that aren't happy with their lives that have to take it out on our happy relation-shipped life.

This is the most happiest I have been yet it has been one crazy life  filled with lots of adventure filled drama and staying in each others rooms.

Also, Mr. F (Oscar) who I got August 12, 2014 has dropsy and is currently in Quarantine. I am feeding him frozen chopped up peas with garlic juice around it. This is supposed to hep him poop if he is constipated and also maybe help the intestines. I am also putting less than a table spoon of Epsom Salt in even though I have read online to do 1-2 table or was it tea spoons? Anyway I am just giving him a little more than a pinch and will continue to do 25% water changes for everyday for up to 2 weeks. Today was the second time that I have done it. Let's see if he will survive. If he doesn't I will never again get a betta or fish because they take a lot to take care of and I don't like to see my pets dying anymore. October 21 will be two weeks.

Wish me luck and pray for me ok?

Thursday, September 18, 2014

This Dream is Very Important

I was in the Aspen Hill Club indoor tennis courts (Age:24). The campers were coming in and I witnessed seeing my sister Alex but younger- maybe around 7. I was asking everyone what year it was. I asked some of the young people warming up and even Will one of the tennis camp counselors feeding the ball. Someone said it was May 12, 1961.  I told them that can't be right because my sister, Alex is here. I asked her when she was born but I replied 1987. Then I went to the calendar hanging on top of the water jug. I was between courts 4 and 5. It said 2001. But that still didn't make sense. And then I saw myself walk in. She wasn't looking at me but I knew it was her. She had the short hair-shoulder length with those crooked bangs, t-shirt, shorts and high socks with sneakers and those deep dark brown eyes. She was smiling and as soon as I saw this I just sat on the ground and started crying heavily. Then I realized what the date was. She looks to be around 3 or 4. It has to be May 12, 1991.

(It makes sense in the dream but when I do the math as I am typing this it doesn't add up right. But I will look further into this. I think this dream was real and I want to know more. Did I enter another realm?)

Then I looked up and saw my Dad standing there young or how I remember him with his AHC grey tennis shirt, black shorts and his curly black hair. I got up immediately and it seemed like I clanged to him like a magnet. Instant tears flew down my face and he hugged me just as hard. I could even feel his tight stomach. I said "I miss you and and I love you" and whispered "why did you have to go. I don't want you to go. It's not the same without you."

(Or at least I thought I said these words. They could just be what I wanted to say.)

That moment of us hugging each other seemed like a life time. And then it was gone. The courts were empty and I was standing where the windows were. There was a cloaked man, whose face I could not see, standing there with me. He told me to "sit down because it is the end of the dream and you have to go and wake up now."He gently placed his arm on my shoulder to sit me down on this rolled up sheet and then he disappeared. But I didn't want to wake up. I had to find my dad and ask him just two more things that are very important to me.

(I woke up to an alarm clock or something, but I never set one for 8 o'clock at all. But I immediately went right back to dreaming. I was next to the windows on the first floor-It was like I teleported.)

There were people behind the front desk and a lot of people standing around the wooden tables. And then laid on the floor I saw a bunch individual miniature cupcake holders with different fruit (blueberries, strawberries, etc. inside and I started collecting and eating them. Then I saw my dad walk by and I asked if he could pass me the banana looking one. He gave it to me.

( I didn't think to ask him what I needed to ask, which thinking about it now, why didn't I?)

Then I walked around the corner to the office. Passing the copier room I heard, "she shouldn't be here" but kept on walking to the office.

(Now that I think about it I think they were talking about me not being in this second dream I created.)

I walked in and saw Sarah there. "Hi Sarah, look what I found!" She looked at me like I wasn't supposed to be here either but I don't remember if she said it or thought it but went onto to saying she was trying to untangle these fruit garland. They were these giant looking fruit like strawberries hanging on a wire. We were sitting at the desk to the left of dads desk when an older shorter lady walked in. She said she needed those fruits now and so Sarah handed them over and the woman said to "come with me" so I did. Back in the lobby she gave me part of the garland and put the other half around her next (the fruit dried up looking old and slightly moldy) and told this younger pimple faced girl "you can go now, I don't need your help anymore." I could see it was because she was less prettier than me but thought that was rude. Then I saw my dad again or I felt his presence near me and instantly we were back on the tennis courts. Only it was just me and him.

"Dad, I need to tell you something it's important." I knew he wanted to say I wasn't supposed to be there either but he stayed quiet. "Is James a good for me? Do you like him?" He responds, " Who is James? Is he the one you're seeing right now?" and I shake my head yes. He says, "I think you two are a good match."

( I'm taking that as a blessing- when we get to that part in our lives.)

Then the court around us starts blurring and fading but I had to ask him one more thing. "Can you please help me graduate? Can you please help me get good grades and pass my final year of school?" And at that point he is a blur too but I think I remember him saying "yes."

The dream ends and I instantly start crying. Crying and trying to remember all of my dream. Trying to remember exactly what he said to me word for word. Crying because I miss him and crying because I saw myself. I never dream of myself younger. I never have remembered any of my younger childhood dreams. But there it is. Me, Alex was even there. Crying because I hugged him so very tight and crying because I actually got to see him again-once more and got to speak to him and him speak back to me. When I uncovered the sheets from my head I felt instantly bed rested and peaceful. Happy even. I looked at the time and saw it was 9:11. Nine eleven or Nine-one-one. I wonder if that means anything either.

I am happy that I had this dream. When I least expected it to come. Last night I was cranky, nauseous/sick feeling with my body I didn't know what was wrong with me. I was scared and was taking it out on my mom by being rude to her. But I told her I didn't like her telling me to do chores when I was feeling like shit and because I was going to do them tomorrow (today). But for some reason I feel whole again. Whatever sickness was in my body, I hope it left for good. I need to start turning my life around. This semester is going to be good. I believe in that a little because I feel my dad will help me in a pinch. He will be there with me in spirit.
































Tuesday, September 16, 2014

UPDATE ON LIFE 2014

I just wanted to update and jot a few things down.. The last post looks sad and well this one will have its moments but I wanted something new to write about.

-School has started.. and guess what three weeks in and I completely did not know I had Bio class every MTWF. I thought I only had it for MTW and because of my stupid Lyme brain I missed two or three classes. I was talking to James on the phone about an upcoming Test for that class. It will be held on a Friday.. Sure enough I looked on the syllabus and immediately felt stupid, shocked and baffled (same meaning i know). Then I went on to thinking what if I forget in the future an important date, a wedding, a birthday something that will affect another person or the chance between a new job interview or a major life crisis and I just completely forget. Like it's erased from my memory completely. What if I get Alzheimer's-  I don't want to get it. I would not like to not remember my whole life!  I met an old women from Boonsboro Days who had it. She was petting Lucy the whole time and was so intuned with just Lucy while the rest of the world went on. She seemed peaceful and very nice but I would not want to live the rest of my life not knowing who my family was or what life I lived! Like the NoteBook. . It would be so upsetting to one day out of every few years know that I had that disease. I pray that my Lyme will heal on its own.

- I have gotten sick yesterday and today. I felt nauseous and weak and jittery and couldn't figure out why. I skipped out of two classes because of this. I looked online and it might mean that I could have low blood pressure. I hope I do not and will now bring many small lunches with me so I can eat them throughout the day. Hopefully this will fix it. But if it happens again, I will go to the doctor to get it checked out. When I told my mom this she just told me what I should do. She wasn't being a mom. All I wanted her to do was to listen and tell me everything is going to be alright. But she just said you need to take your medicine while watching the news on t.v. All I want is comfort from her and I can't even get that.

-I've gotten sad like crying sad, and negative when James isn't here. And he's only gone for part of Tuesday, all of Wednesday and part of Thursday. Which is next to nothing because I love to have my alone time and in which I have been cleaning when he isn't here and going to my tutors. But when he is here I just eat him up and Love him every second. He is my one and only and I am so happy I found him so young. Before him I thought I would never find him but I'm glad he came into my life because I need him most now. This is my time to shine and it's very challenging to stay focus and do well. I'm constantly going between being depressed and saying how I won't pass college to saying I will pass college as long as he is by my side. I love that he understands me COMPLETELY and I am not afraid to be myself around him and be gross around him (haha). He is MY EVERYTHING. I cannot wait to call him all mine with a ring around our fingers and a roof over our heads. He means the world to me and I Love Him! and he absolutely Loves Me! None of this second guesses.. It's pure and true and real and I love that I have this in my life right now. And Lucy means the world to me to and I love her like she is my daughter and I have never felt that way about an animal before. :) We are the perfect happy family and I am SO blessed to have them in my life! :))




Wednesday, August 13, 2014

You Can Do This

I just feel i need to write tonight. Yesterday I didn't sleep at all. I just couldn't so today I made a promise to myself that I would stay up for 24 hours. Worst idea ever, while it did work for me to be extremely tired tonight (trying to get back on schedule for school) it did cause a small uncalled for behavior from me. I got angry, slap happy, frustrated, happy, clean- a.k.a. cleaned my whole room and yes that means laundry, but most of all I was sarcastic and just plain rude. Even though I didn't think I was being rude, I think I came off as rude because earlier when James was here I showed him a simple painting I did and showed him what I painted (which I thought I was spot on with the look-a-like) but all he did was look at each one and pretended to lick them. I know he was trying to be goofy and yes he is weird for doing that and normally I wouldn't have cared but since I got ZERO sleep I was very touchy-feely and was very upset when he didn't say anything positive about my painting. (It's of my pig dolls I got from Mom). So when I said to not talk to me I meant it. And later when I explained all of this to him all he said was you are being mean today. But that's all he said to me! We slept for an hour or two and I had been asking him what he wanted to do. I keep on asking him because we both are indecisive people but I feel him more so and that he says he's bored but does nothing about it. So I list what we could do. We both were hungry so I said lets go to Sheetz (btw this is all summed up to what affected me the most-left out details that I felt unimportant to me) and then he said I should sleep. He did his phone thing and when I gave him options about how to proceed to eat he just merely laid down. I got frustrated with this and decided to go downstairs and eat bowls of cereal. I'm glad I ate because it gained my perspective on the situation. I was being selfish to have him all to myself when he simply wanted to go home and eat there. But I was sad because we usually would want to spend nights together, but tonight he wanted to leave and made the excuse that Lucy didn't eat. Which yeah she hadn't, but in the past he would've said, awe that's fine she had enough snacks tonight. The most upsetting point of the evening was when I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything at all including our relationship and what happened early today, he simply got up, went upstairs and got Lucy and we waved goodbye and he left. The moment I was alone to think I felt so fucked up for even being mean to him even though I was just cranky- I was/am upset that he decided to run off than to talk to me or even at least say, hey let's talk about this tomorrow). Instead he just left. And when he walked into the night I knew instantly that I had to fix this stupid poor me Larissa syndrome and apologize and go hug him. So I took off my socks (since it has rained earlier) and went up to hug him. I wanted to cry, as i was about to in the house, but I was already tired from walking-heart pumping even though it was 30 seconds away. I said I was sorry for being so rude earlier, it was uncalled for and we made peace as he hugged me and said I love you. I said goodbye to Lucy and they  drove away.

On the happier note today I got a Veiltail Betta named Mr. Sir F. or Stewart Small the Second because he looks just like my very first betta. I'm trying this time without my filter because every time I put a fish in several months later they die from being sucked into hose which is Bull Shit and I should call and sue the company for killing my fish. James was actually taking the time to help me find the perfect fish which I loved that he was trying. :) He really is a sweet guy but I wish if little things like this happened that we would talk about them by the next night. I just wish he would  even say just that. Maybe it's time to have Molly come with us. Maybe she can help make this right. And also, I really think I'm just going to throw this out there that I haven't had any sleep so I think all these thought in my head are just because I just need some damn sleep. No reason to worry Larissa your just over thinking things like you sometimes do. Also glad he left because when I had those two bowl of cereal not only does my roof of mouth hurt from the stupid Fruit Loops but I am farting like a motherfucker right now. Lmao. I used to not ever say that word and look at me go now.

Also I think I'll play one game of easy bot mode League tonight. I haven't done that since a few weeks when we started dating- cold turkey quit for 3 months just like that. Crazy how addicted to it I was when Jeff was around and now I haven't played it in forever.

I also have been thinking about my past more with relationships and evaluating each one of them to see where the faults had lied and why they did end up ending. And I thought I had given up on them and I thought I was the bad person when really the bad people were them. Well except for Justin- I felt bad that my friend was coxing him to like her and do things for her when she already was in a committed relationship to her boyfriend for quiet a few years. So I dated him for 4 months. And thinking about all the others, I always went to the broken boys trying to help and fix their issues but ended up breaking their hearts or they breaking mine for trying. A drug addict, pot head, and a nobody that was very manipulative. And the ones I didn't list are the ones I tried with harder than these pathetic people. I tried to right them when they were wrong but I noticed the more asshole, drug doer, macho to into himself and asshole from taking me away to see my friends the more I realized who I wanted to be with and why I did dump their asses in the first place. Because they all were deformed in some way and I was tired for so long trying to help them. I needed someone that could fit all of my values and as tall, a general good person, with a secret naughty side, a fixer around the house (tool man lol) a guy that is a creative thinker and liked art and I really wanted a small dog. And I hadn't even looked up the option to thinking hey, this guy doesn't need to be white. Which is weird because I feel it is so common for whites to be with whites, blacks with blacks and etc. But I finally let my guards down and I was just exploring what was out there in the Okcupid site and just accepting someone to be friends with me. Someone who is like me and can do all the listed above and then some and guess who just finally walks into my life.. I am so freaking thankful for this to finally happen to me. (Look now I've got tears- at least It's for something happy) I have had anger with God as to why I had to go thorough these troubles in my life, but now I see why. It's so I can evolve into something new and beautiful and a tough girl with a sweet heart. The only way to get by in life is to just keep going, just keep moving forward and if life brings you down it's just to make you stronger for the next trivial thing to get in your way; this way you can overcome it and succeed with flying colors.

I am finally ready to take this next step into my life and succeed. I will be in school for 8 years and this time, this is my time to shine and to gradate and to have MY American Dream with James and Lucy and our white picket fence. It may get hard, but remember it's only temporary and YOU WILL succeed. I have faith in you. You now have the motivation to pass all of your classes with those tough teachers and get out of Shepherd. It's YOUR time now and Larissa, you will do GREAT things with your life. All you have to do is trust yourself and pray and believe that you can and you will. I love you.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

YAY!!!

Going to New York tonight and  leaving for Russia (JFK airport) will return july 6 to New York and back home on the 9th. Wish me luck and safe travels. :)

Monday, June 2, 2014

A List to Do

Planted the sun flowers and I hope they don't die on me.

Found some lose change for the bank and I hope I make more than twenty-five bucks.

Used a new product and found it very useful three times.

Got bit by mosquitoes seven times and I hope that's a good thing. (7 heaven right?)

Meeting up with James soon and I need to eat something healthy.

Need to clean room and get to packing. (Yay! Russia)

Maybe clean my fish tank so Margo can be happy. (Got her May 26, 2014) (She died July 29 on Dad's birthday- 3 months and then vanished. I am sad to see her go she seemed quite a happy little fish. I hope she didn't have pain when the filter got her. I hope it was quick and pain less. Amen)

Monday, May 26, 2014

Fun Times and Margo

I got a new friend today at the Carnival I went with James in Boonsboro. Her name is Margret or Margo or Large-Marge as James says it. She is I believe to be a comet gold fish. Hopefully she will stay alive for a year or so but who knows for sure. K. Oh and today is our one month! And I have tons of sneezing from allergies. Fun. And  James also helped me with replanting the prickly bush and white lilac bush. And I got to see Rachael today and her family except Sevan. And Keira. And she met James and Lucy. The End. 

Little Bird

Also he eats like a bird- like I do. He says he is full but then later like an hour later he states that he is hungry again. I love that he is like me in so many ways. :)

L-O-V-E

I remember when I used to not want the other to leave so I would prolong them to go. Just found out James does the same exact thing. I love him more and more. And on a greater note I will be keeping Lucy for the day and get to see Rachael tomorrow. :) so excited. And then James has a surprise for me and then later we are going to the carnival in Boonsboro. Can not wait!!!

Friday, May 23, 2014

Lots of Insignificant Words

I don't understand why his mom doesn't like me. I don't want to humble brag but every ex of mine's mother loved me. But his is different. One night I stayed the night and didn't bring sleep wear but I was wearing shorts under my dress so I used that as shorts and she gave me a speech of how it is inappropriate to wear those in public or in her house. I could understand wearing them in the house but that was the only thing I had. jeez. And I told her they were work out pants which they were and then I just listened to her and held my tongue. After she left I had told James that I felt it rude and uncalled for her to say that to me. About not to wear anything that is to showy- like she thought I did that All the time- which I don't. So he talked to her and I thought it was okay until yet again today she called me out saying what about my house rules. First off what house rules? Second off i'm wearing J Crew shorts and my mother was with me when I bought them. I've worn them everywhere and they are perfect going out/everyday use shorts. They are not short short like slutty girls that I see wear. I am a tall girl that has long legs and arms so it may look short on me but that's just how it looks. I stood my ground today saying that these are my shorts that I wear everyday. She also has a rule for no shoes in house. So i take my shoes off when entering and put them on when leaving right by the door. I saw Lucy's bowl needed to be filled with water so I took two step to go to the bathroom to fill it up and hear his mother say no shoes in house. Mind you I've seen James go to the bathroom to fill up her water while his shoes are on and he doesn't get yelled at. But the moment I go she calls me out on it. She is rude and is always poking her nose in others people business and that just is not right. You lead your life and I lead mine. You are not my mother so I don't appreciate you telling me what I should wear. Maybe if she knew me for like a few more months then yeah sure maybe she could give me suggestions. She also asks a lot of personal questions which I don't mind answering. But she always asks the same ones. It's like she wants to store information for later to gossip to her friends about. James and his dad agrees that Its not her place but the dad doesn't say much but James tells me that it isn't right. She can be a very nice person but often then not i'd rather have her as an acquaintance then to have her as third mother. I even helped her clean the place just before James's grandparents come over after only knowing his family for less than a month. So now I'm just trying to stay out of sight out of mind type of thing.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Those Two Lines

So I was starting to freak out about the whole pregnancy thing so James and I went to Walmart and I got the three in one test kit. Then we went to Dunkin' Donuts and got some yummy food. I took the test and as I was waiting I knew I was over thinking the whole thing but a part of me wanted to see those two lines. I got my hopes up for someone I just met and have only been dating for a little under a month. I felt different about wanting a child with him. It was not sex driven it was real love. So when I saw the test stripe confirming that I was not pregnant my heart dropped slightly. I was disappointed in the result I got. Why? I should have been happy to know that I did not have to care for a child that I did not have money for and that I was still in school. But part of me was already thinking of if I did... I had a dream again.. I went to the bathroom to see the test and in my dream it said that I was indeed pregnant. I think in my dream I just wanted something to happen so I let it. That previous dream of one positive, two negative were just all in my head- nothing more than that. Not a sign or anything just something I wanted but then again I would have to make all these preparations for something I did quite know how to take care for. And now I done writing but James is looking at me. So I should be done.. But one last thing.. I love when he strokes my belly it's as if I was expecting it to be positive and I think that's why I got my hopes up. I will take the other two strip tests within a week apart from each other just to be sure.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

ummm

Last night I had some sexy time with James. I may or may not be preggos. We shall see.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Dreaming about Us

Also, I had a dream last night that  I was pregnant and I took three pregnancy tests to make sure.

I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUTH HIM

Yesterday at precisely after we got up we had sex 3 times. The third one was amazing as he came inside me and I felt incredibly connected to him. I realized I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. The second time we did it I cried at the end because it was the most amazing feeling in the world. To love and to be loved in return. To feel absolutely no pain and to enjoy it completely. I am sharing with him something that I have never shared with anyone else. I feel much closer to him now then ever and I wish to only make him happier from this day forth. I do not wish to cause him any harm and I even bought him lunch yesterday because we both were very hungry after what just happened. I love him and cannot wait to live with him. It will be a decent time until we do because we each have a year to complete school. But when we do graduate I will want to move in with him. He also asked me today if I wanted a pot with two to three sunflower plants in them. I said yes, they would look good against the wall in the back yard. We shall see what happens.























Also, I am spending a night with Kaitlyn tomorrow and on Thursday or Friday I will see Rachael whom I have not seen in a very long time.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Travels on UP

So we were driving up to Boston to pick up my brother when we hit traffic on 78 (yesterday). This constructor worker said to go down 222 but the gps was getting little to no service so we winged it. As we were driving down I at first saw a sign that had a sentence with God in it. We were going to turn around when there was a man mowing his lawn. We stopped and asked for directions and found out he was a very nice older man that knew his roads. So we wrote down the directions and made our way down. Then we got lost gain but the gps just had a moment of service to let us know we were going the right way. Then we came to a point in the road that we had to determine wether to go right or left, so we went left. My mom put down the river to ask for directions and two people- a man and women responded- both very nice. We followed the woman's direction because she seemed to know what she was talking about. It was like God was helping us the whole way because by the time we got back on I-78 the interstate was all cleared up!

I finally got to see Ryan and Deanne's new place and I met the family as well(in CT). They have a german shepherd (long soft hair) named Maya who is about 8 I think and then Carly a black short haired lab who is about 5 or 6. I cat named Mills who is all white and has long hair and a grey african parrot named PeeWee and she is very smart. I got to hold her the next day (today) I have it on video to-pretty awesome if I must say. We picked up Serge and his things today too and ate Panera and when we got to CT yummy pizza. Ryan learned a new word in Russian by me and when I said it to him mom hit me. lol. I said sooka which means bitch in Russian. And when I told him he kept on using it throughout the night LOL. and now I am up in the bedroom relaxing for a bit.

James is also an awesome person. He went to my house and watered the strawberries and removed all the caterpillars to a safer place so they wouldn't eat my fruits. He and Lucy went to also find my lost easter bracelet. No luck but he did say he find a: JC Penny gift card, mini basketball, a new but raggedy tampon and a few hemp plants. And I didn't know what that last one was so I looked it up. If you want to see click here: http://www.treehugger.com/environmental-policy/perfect-plant-7-great-uses-for-industrial-hemp.html

Tomorrow early morning we will leave to go back home and I will take some shots of the pets before I go. (I have to remember so I am writing it here and hopefully it will stick in my brain. :)

Good bye for now.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Food Making

It's so cute. While I'm away to pick up my brother from Boston, James said he would practice making scrambled eggs. He also will plant our trees (curly willow, pussy willow and white Lilly) in the yard and attempt to find my lost vintage bracelet. I love him so much and this takes the cake. He is an awesome individual. :)

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Life as We Know It

To sum everything (Tuesday-Friday) in this post, we had passionate sex for the first time (I enjoyed it which never happens to me), and made each other feel incredible throughout the days we spent together (I feel so much more connected to him now). The days blurred into one long dreamland where the sun would rise when we slept and the day was over too soon. As The Beatles would say, "We are all together".  We fit so perfectly together which is weird for me to say, because I have never felt so passionate about any other person but I do with him . We understand each other without words, we help each other through hard times and at the end of the day we make each other smile to let the other know it will all be okay in the end. He bought us Little Big Planet 2 and we have been playing that. We have moved his room around a little and now his T.V. from the basement is in his room. There is a comfy couch in there. We found two robin eggs, one blue one spotted brown and white. We are attempting to have one of them hatch although the chances of that are unlikely. Lucy is beginning to like me more and more each day and I her. I think she likes me more because i gave her bits of cookie, but we'll just say she likes me regardless. I found out that his mom can be very rude and say uncalled for things. And she said something that upset me greatly because I do not dress like the things she was talking about and she has no right to talk to me at all about that because she does not know me and because what I was wearing were merely gym shorts. My bad for wearing them as pajamas and walking around the house in them. That's all I had with me. She seems more old school then my mom at times and for that I am grateful that my mom is more friendly in that retrospect.

 I love my mom even though right now she is stressed from green fest. But everything will be ok in the end. It is supposed to rain tomorrow hopefully that waits until like 4. Sunday is Mother's Day and I will be eating brunch with mom and Alex and then work for me. Then Monday we will travel to get Serge and pick up all his college things and then come back Wednesday and then Thursday I will maybe get a new phone although I am fine with the one i have. Oh well.

Well good night world big day tomorrow. :)

Sunday, May 4, 2014

New Love

So yesterday after work I picked up James and we went to a nursery in Hagerstown called shanvley's or something like that. I got a small shovel, one lobelia erinus and 5 different strawberry plants. We picked up Lucy and traveled to my house. He and I cleared the side of the house where the old strawberry plants used to be and planted the new ones and put a rock border as well. He tried to plant another curly willow (as we had done the day before yesterday) but there were huge rocks that were several inches deep. So hopefully he and I will be able to break up the rock either tomorrow or tuesday since it is supposed to rain Monday. Yesterday also had sun showers off and on during sunset which sped up our planting process. Then I drove Lucy, James and myself to his house and we watched Spirited Away since he has never seen the movie but always wanted to. Also, his mom bought him and I Chick-Fil-Lay sandwiches and he and I bought two pints of ice-cream. I had Chocolate Therapy (Ben and Jerry's) and he had Carmel De Leche (Häagen Dazs). I fell asleep within 20 minutes of the movie and I told him to finish watching it. I love sleeping in the same bed as him. It's comforting to know that my other half is just a hand away. :) Lucy slept in the chair next to the bed too. (Oh and a caught him making a pook or as he calls it "toot" and we talked about embarrassing stories on that subject and i'm glad we did because now I feel even more relaxed when I am around him-less nervous). Oh and also! We took a shower together for the first time. It was very fun and I was laughing a lot. 

The next day we slept in until like 11, watched Hot Rod because he didn't see that one either and then we went back to sleep until 1pm. I was writing on his back with my finger and I felt an urge to tell him I loved him. I've been having this feeling for awhile but I didn't want to say it until he felt the same way. When I spelled it on his back he replied, "I love you too" :) He had told me that he had spelled it over and over again on my back last week! But i didn't notice it. It's nice to know that he was thinking and did the same thing to say it. There were countless other times that I had wanted to say I love you for something but held my tongue. I am so glad I can say it to him now. After that was said I was really turned on from him and so he went down on me and I for the first time got off. ( we had tried other times but I was so nervous that I wasn't able to enjoy him down there.) And hopefully this is set to private locked account or it's going to be bad news for me. I had to go to work at 4pm but he was able to make me stuffed grilled chicken and mozzarella triangle things with marinara sauce in top. It was delicious and I do really love him. :) I cannot wait to garden with him more and to be with him more and more. He is a great guy. Oh and he puts the toilet seat down which I love. Now all we have to get comfortable with is seeing each other pick our pimples/ black heads and we will be golden. LMAO. 

And tomorrow I have a dentist appointment. Yay! I love getting my teeth cleaned. Then when we come home I will hang out with James regardless of if it rains or not. :) Really excited to spend my short summer with him.

The End. :)

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Word of the Day

James told me last night that I was very considerate and that he has never had a girl do that for him.  I like this. :) The End.

Considerate: careful not to cause inconvenience or hurt to others.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Start.

He is different from the other boys I have dated. My mother likes him which is great for me. She says he is a nice guy which he is. He is an only child which is different and is a different ethnicity but I like that he is different from all the douche bags I have dated in the past. He is real, funny, and goes the extra mile. For instance if I were to say something he would actually put it into motion. I told him today, "wouldn't it be weird if you just had a straight face the whole time we were doing it" and he faked did that face. It was the must disturbing yet hilarious thing that he did. I should have never questioned my thoughts out loud.

The End.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

I'm Getting What I've Been Wanting Finally!

I have one more final this week (Friday) and then I am done for the Summer. Well kind of. (Today is Wednesday). James is coming over in a few hours to pick me up and then we are going into Frederick.

It is so weird that I actually met someone whom I like on OkCupid. I have activated and deactivated that account so many times that I started not to care about who messaged me. Anyway I saw this boys account and that he looks kind of cute and we have a lot in common and he doesn't smoke and he is tall so why not try and message him. He might not respond but that means it's not meant to be. Well It has been 2 weeks since I met him and so far so good. :P April 10, 2014 is when we met up and went to Frederick together in my car. We walked around the movie theatre area and decided to get ice cream. I didn't think of this as a date as I had stated I was only looking for friendship at this moment. I though he has understood but continued to buy everything that night. I wasn't complaining. lol. Then we went to the Sports Bar and he bought himself and I an Angry Orchid and we doodled on the back of a piece of paper. Then we saw the movie he wanted to see, "The Grand Budapest Hotel" by Key Wes or something like that. I have seen other movies done by him and liked them. We sat there until the last of the credits had ended. Then on the way home we attempted to find these Otterbien Chocolate Chip Cookies. We went to two grocery stores but no luck.  That was the end of the evening and I returned him to his car. But we promised to hang out the next evening. I ended up meeting his mom and we stayed up to watch a movie. The most awkward part of the evening was him attempting to kiss my cheek when he dropped me off at my house but instead kissed my side of face and glasses. We continued to hang out through out the weeks and I found myself falling more and more for him. We did have some in common, but what drawn me to him was that he and I would think or do the same things at the same time. And one night while we were in his car I put my guard down and let him kiss me. I cannot believe it but his kisses were "magical". I only met one other person that had an amazing kiss like that. But his tops the charts. That's when I decided I wanted to be with him-because of his kisses, kindness and we both could be silent but be comfortable. He also is helpful, loves to garden like I do and is muscular. They all sound so random but I find those attributes to intrigue me. Also he is well rounded as he has been around the world and I find him to be very intelligent. (The Anniversary date is: April 26, 2014)

My next order of business I wanted to talk about is Russia. I am going there for 2-3 weeks as an internship with my mother this year. I cannot wait!

Monday, April 28, 2014

In LOVE with SUMMER

I really want to focus on making me a better me. I just finished watching "Stuck in Love" and it made me want to focus on having a better relationship with my body. I want to limit the junk food and just stick to healthy foods like vegetables, fruit and meat.

Also, I notice I am standing taller by straightening my back and I am generally a happier person now. Although my test grades haven't been improving I need to pass my math final with at least a D. Now I know this is almost impossible- but almost doesn't mean it is. So I have to focus on what math I do know my math teacher says.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Why does life have to flash by. Why does life have to flash by and me not have to realize it before it's almost too late? Hmmm? It's all fake!!!

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Rest in Peace Betta :)

R.I.P. Oasis Aleshin-Guendel. I had you for 9 months and 2 weeks and I would've had you longer if I could. You were a happy and very smart fish and I hope you have a wonderful afterlife with my other fish Stewart. :)

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

http://www.couchtuner.eu

free streaming. for GAME OF THRONES

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Ain't that the truth

It is dangerous to know what the other person is truly thinking all of the time. 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Ya know

He is an interesting fellow. He's messy but clean in ways I didn't think possible. He likes his music and history and yeah I want to explain more but he is calling it quits for tonight as he is playing one more song. Lmao. He is a character to say the least. I like. I like a lot. Lol :)

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Fast heartbeats and can't sleep

I feel the pain in my chest. It's been hovering in the background and since keegan and I had our huge fight it came out again. I think the pain is from a mix of heartache from ending things with Jeff and it seems like ending it with keegan all in a month. How could I be so stupid. This can never be replaced. The friendship that Keegan and I share. I wish we could patch it up and give it time. But to him it's over. Doesn't he believe in second chances? I'm sorry that I hurt him but what can I do several states away? Nothing. I just have to move on even though as I'm crying that seems next to impossible. I want to salvage whatever I can from this because I don't want to lose another good friend who has been there for me thick and thin. But who's to blame him? I fucked up and understand I did wrong. Time will tell I suppose.

Read that last bit. Wow I was emotional and he's a dick. End of story.
I kill everything I try to heal

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

TRUST is what makes a person or breaks a person

What we have to talk about:

Trust! If I am going to go out and do things with new people which I have already told them I am strictly only being friends with them, then it should not be a problem to do.
If he is getting too insecure or "worried" or jealous about me doing those things, then to damn bad! If he wasn't in the picture I would've been doing them anyway! It's like he thought he created my outgoing personality or something, which isn't true.

Another thing in trust is you DO NOT lie to a person. For example the night that I went out he thought I was lying about something but I was telling the truth. I was hanging out with Kelsey and we saw people that we knew there and hung out with them to. I don't understand how that could ever  come across as a lie.

ALSO, he said that he doesn't like when people lie but he was the one to do it! He lied about the "so-called pictures" he deleted. But he never did. He just wanted to get an answer from me. Like I told him, why could he just ask me instead of lie to get answers out from me. That really hurt me.


If you want to be left alone, just tell me! I cannot read your mind nor your texts. I am that kind of person that when I need my space I tell the person so. Not just get angry, upset, or "annoyed" that they don't know what I am not verbally communicating.

If he is getting conflicted about what's happening about whatever it is he is thinking about, the best way to figure it out is to communicate with me.

I feel like this friendship/other is getting way out of hand. It started out so simply and then over the past 24 days it has escalated quite a bit to which point I have no clue what is going on. I thought we laid everything on the table when i said I am going to commit 100%, but I feel that he wasn't sharing somethings with me, if just a few days later we are back to square one.

I said what I needed to say. Now it is up to him to get everything together and explain his half.

Just Think for Yourself

Fuck trying to please everyone. It's not worth it. Just like the Avett Brothers say, "You can't make everyone happy all of the time."

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Space

 I seem to annoy people by bothering them too much. But after they do tell me that I annoy them by blowing up their phone I back off until they come to me. (Because I feel hurt from what they say and it always happen.) But i think that's just because of the wine I have been drinking tonight is making me emotional when I normally am not. I tend to be a follower until I know what I want, and right now I feel like I am following this person and it is annoying them slightly. So I am going to back off for right now.. And if they want to talk to me then they can. Otherwise I need to give them space. I know that I like my space, so I have to do the same. And hopefully everything will be okay in the end.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Story of my Life

I could have had it all, but I walked away from it. Why? Because I wasn't happy. I was just content.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

What am I doing with my life? 
Friends are hard to deal with. I'm better off without them. That way I can just be free from all worry and gossip and hatred that is coming my way. I don't need anyone that does not support me in what I have to say. If you are going to talk shit behind my back then it's better that i am not friends with you, because you are a deceitful and a horrible lying person. And I hope never to see you again.
I feel weird. I feel like nothing today. I slept for 13 hours and I think that is why my balance is off, my reactions to timing is off. I want to drive somewhere and do something, but I don't know where to go. I have been slouched over in my bed for the past week and even though I had school, when I came home that's where I went to. I am going out on wednesday and have a Skype chat with Katrina tomorrow, so all feels like it is going according to plan. Also, it is crazy that I am typing right now without looking at the keyboard, but then the moment I say that I am doubting myself and my fingers miss the right letter. I just have to not think about it and all will be good. I want to read again like I used to, and I want to edit my photographs from forever ago. And all this space is letting me do what I want, which I love. I felt as if when I was with him I didn't get anything done. I just played video games all the time. And now that I am alone I feel much happier. More free. More wanting to eat food all the time now and smile more and talk to people more. It's weird that I never noticed that when I was with him. Maybe I felt as if I was caged in even though he gave me everything.

And now I feel like I am going to cry because the person I thought I could trust is thinking that I am making her do things- which is not true. She can do or not do whatever, and truth is she often has her way. So I find this conversation to be Bull Shit and that maybe she is talking behind my back to you know who.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Just Take One small Step

I feel like I didn't love him the way he loved me. I felt like he was trying very hard, but i also felt he was suffocating me. I had it all but I left it all because i needed to be on my own- to figure my own life out. I felt like I couldn't figure myself out with him there, constantly checking on me. I feel like I need my alone time to an extremity. I felt like shit after I told him no so many times on the phone, and he kept on saying, "you're lying, you still love me" over and over again to at which I had to end it. It was too painful for me to bare. I love him. I love him with all my heart but to a different degree that he loves me. And after all was said and done I thought back to the moments when we were happy and free and i'll miss those moments. But I know it's for the best. And I'll be ready for whatever life throws my way. I know that if I can get through my dad passing, I can get through this. Just one day at a time. Now I have to get off because my three cats are shoving things off the surfaces. I know a lot of people are going to hate me, and I know a lot of people I will never get to talk again to and I know I will miss it, but I have to be moving forward. I will have someone smiling on the other side just in case I get sadden again and again. And that's comforting to know when I feel like I have nothing. And when I talk to my friends life gets a little easier and the moment I stop talking it just gets hard again. Just take one small step at a time. That's all anyone can do in life.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

You like the idea of me.  You don't need me. You want me. 
It's weird how everything can change so suddenly. 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

"If it's broken, fix it."

I am bored with my life. I figured out that I will not drop out of college, that I will graduate, but I want more to life. My hair is not red enough and it is too straight. I want some volume to it. My body is skinny but I want to strengthen it so I am going to Yoga once every week. I am tired of getting my period every other week (exaggerating slightly) so I am quitting the pill. I am tired earlier and get up earlier. My room is a mess and I still do not have the courage to clean it. When I leave the house I forget to put on my glasses. I didn't used to need to do that but now I do it all the time. I wish I didn't have to wear any type of glasses. I am more sad because of my life going by on routine. I am enveloped in video and pc games to make life seem more interesting. I know I would rather have life than to not have it, but my life is boring. Even with a boyfriend I feel restrained to do what I want. And even though I want to get rid of things, when I look in my room I find nothing to get rid of and right now I am listening to classical music on pandora. When I take off my glasses in a crowded room I feel separated from all of them. I feel sad and distant and feel like they look like ghosts to me. People look at me and walk right past as if I don't exist. I want to exist and to get noticed and to have people take pictures of me. I went to my fathers grave site a few days ago and it's still just a body in a box. The more I thought about it the more I needed to get away from the grave site. The more I listen to this music the more I feel the need to be more creative yet sad. I need to say No more but I feel like I saw it all the time. I want fun but can't risk it with school. I need to make money to support myself in the future but I do not know how. I will figure it out tomorrow I guess. Or the next day or in a few years. I want to explore independently. Where can I go to do that? I need my own thinking place. Where can I go that is quiet, warm, peaceful and inviting? I think of the library but I'd like to be outside. I can't think anymore because the music stopped. Good night.

Friday, January 31, 2014

Good bye for now

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

LOL icons

There are four icons to earn during Lunar Revel:

The Year of the Horse Icon: To earn this icon, you must play and win a game in a matchmade queue. Custom games do not count, but you do not have to play with friends to earn the Year of the Horse Icon. Games against AI or “bot” opponents will not count.

Icon of Lunar Goddess Diana: To earn this icon, you must enter a matchmade queue (not a custom game) with at least one friend and finish two games on Twisted Treeline or the Crystal Scar (Dominion game-mode). Games against AI or “bot” opponents will not count.

Icon of Dragonblade Riven: To earn this icon, you must enter a matchmade queue (not a custom game) with at least one friend and finish two games on Howling Abyss. 

Icon of Warring Kingdoms Tryndamere: To earn this icon, you must enter a matchmade queue (not a custom game) with at least one friend and finish two games on Summoner’s Rift. Games against AI or “bot” opponents will not count.

Ghost or an Angel trying to help me?

My alarm clock went off after i paused a song on my pandora station. It came on randomly. No I did not press any button and no the alarm clock was not set for 11:38 at night. The title of the song was, "Doing whatever she likes". Does that mean I should just follow my heart? Drop out of college and be with Jeff? OR does it mean that I am a selfish person and stubborn and should just stay in school to finish what I started? Before this country song went on I was listening to Greg Lawsen (spelling?) about "this is for the people who try again… the people who seek and find, never giving up time after time.. Does that how it goes? I don't remember.

Monday, January 27, 2014

this is sparta.not. I'm tired.

Words. New post, old post. Tired. need to sleep not play LOL. (league) and I haven't yet. can't write. type. can't type. bye.

Fingers are just typing away.

Cold air turns to warm while I lay down in my berth. I look at all my imperfections on my body. The bumps on my chest, the nail polish rubbing off, dirt in my nails and cat scratches on my hands and I think to myself, does this all really matter? Everyone has some type of imperfection but they hide away with photoshop and tell the young adults that If you weigh normal then you are fat. So while the found adults feel they are obese, they really are not. So my two cents is don't give a rats ass about what others think, just you think. And think to yourself that you are better than those others who laugh at you. Because in the end when those bullies are in their dying days, you will be the one to have had a wonderful life worth living for.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I need change in my life right now. If I don't get it soon, I will explode. I will fail. I will drop out.

I need out. But there are so many consequences to this. Mom will be mad at me. The whole family will be. I will have no degree and will waste it away and will need to pay the school bills if I do drop out. On the up side I will have moved out and work full time to pay for bills. Down side I will have no car. I just NEED to move out. Even when I have space I have none. Photography is getting me nowhere in life and quite frankly I don't care. I want to be a house wife. That is my dream goal. I want to stay up all hours of the night. I want to be able to go down stairs and watch tv in the middle of the night and to be naked in my house hold without having my mother yell at me for being awake "At this hour". I want, no I need to move out so I can be a big girl and do big girl things. Seriously. Has it come down to her suffocating me even when she's not? I need to talk to Kristen about this. Maybe she can help me. If I drop out now I can't get the money I paid for the school this semester. Should I stay just for this semester? Is it even worth it? I just feel like none of this is helping me in the long run. Just wasting everyones money and time. In the long run I only have 5 classes left until I could perhaps graduate. However, I've been only needing those many classes FOREVER and I can't stand it any longer! I need to break free from this environment. It feels tainted to me. I feel pressured to graduate. Get a degree. Work till I'm dead. Have a marriage, husband and kids. I feel like where I am now is not helping me anymore. I am dead to learning new things in college. It is now just wasting my time. I wish I could just quit it all and just live under a rock. I wish I could live on a farm away from technology and people pressuring you to excel in everything. They say it's for the best but really how is this helping? How is struggling just to pass a few extra classes helping any at all? I failed math and I am retaking it. BUT I PUT SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH TIME INTO IT FOR NOTHING. I am giving up. I can't win. I'm going to be like my dad and just drop out. The pressures for graduating is strong. But maybe I should do this. Maybe this is the time for change.

I need change in my life right now. If I don't get it soon, I will explode. I will fail. I will drop out.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Dreams

In this dream I was with my co-workers working but not at the place I work. Ha-ha. And I was flirting with a guy name Keith. At the end of our shift we gave each other a big hug. 

Then the dream changed to it having Dwight tell all about how he loved roller coasters and he showed us videos. As we were looking it was like I was in a roller coaster. There were green, red and blue ones. Each one different from the next.

Then I was with a group with random classmates I didn't know. (Did you know the people who you think appear at random in your dream and you you think you don't know are people you have actually have seen in real life. You might have glanced at them or seen them walking down the street. There your brain has recognized and stored information about this individual in the subconscious part of your mind. Interesting right?) Anyway, well we were all in an aisle looking at these boxes with holes in them and the guy in charge said we needed to take care of these animals that were in each box. I opened my box and took out this what appeared to have a pink tinge to the coat but it was white (short curly-ish hair with floppy ears.) It was a small dog that was mostly blind. His right eye could see a small amount they said. He looked scared but I made sure he wouldn't fall from the shelf he was on. The dream changed back and forth to having the dog and then to having an albino fish ( almost looked like an albino small catfish) to a bigger fish that took up all the tank that he was in. And for a bigger fish it actually looked really cute. ( and it was a darkish green) And get this the tank looked like the size of a quart sized milk container and where you put the water into the tank was in the side and the water didn't fall out.

Then there was a part of my dream were I thought I was drunk and at times I couldn't see where I was walking. I was with a these random girls and this one girl had a coat that she put around me. She put me towards the end of a cliff and pushed me off. I was like a helicopter plant (Like the ones that fall off from trees) and I was slowly though twirling and gliding down so far. Then I saw that there was a body of frozen water that I needed to get away from so I tried getting away by shifting my body. I did and hit the ground which was red jello. I even tasted it to see. The girl who pushed me down said from way up high she didn't want me to ruin the jello she made. I saw a huge shark in the frozen water and it could not move but was trying to. This other girl came down on a helicopter plant thing but hers could move like a normal plane so she grabbed ahold of me and we went back up the cliff but to the other side. 

Then the dream changed and I was with Keith again and a girl. I was looking through a telescope and saw the moon but it was giving me a smug smile. I wanted to show them but by the time I did the moon was just a moon. And then someone had captured a whale but it wasn't a whale at all it was a whale coin purse and I jingled it around and had to get the change out from the mouth but couldn't.

And then the dream changed one more time and there we were, my mom, dad and me in the kitchen of this plastic home. I was on the floor, my mother sitting at the kitchen table and my dad in the other room. The powder room had a speaker and this korean lady was at the other end trying to call us. "Is anybody there, oh I guess not" at that point my dad came jogging from the other room into the bathroom and was trying to figure out which button he had to press to talk back to her. I told him it was the larger looking button and he pressed it. 

I wanted to dream more but my mother had woken me up talking about going to her Sharpsbug shop. And then I was an appointment at 5pm and then at 6 I am going to try and do Yoga at Shepherd. This will be fun and hopefully good for me. Wish me luck.