yourself being yourself and not god
big bang therory - boom creating everything
scientific veriosn hwo the universe starrted
all matter exploded and creating everything
Friday, October 11, 2019
Thursday, October 10, 2019
New Mood, Don't Care
I feel so blah. So dead inside right now. I've been zombie-ing away to Netflix shows and Youtube videos. I don't like work anymore and Pedro is working on homework and work and said I couldn't see him all week. At first I thought this was a walk in the park, but I kinda miss him and I bonding. I've had zero motivation to get shit done and this weather hasn't been helping.
The last two days however, the weather has been semi-nice and I have put books away and searched for new jobs. I have yet to apply to them though. They are still open in my Chrome browser waiting for me to start a new job so I can be happy about work again.
Tomorrow my new goals are to drink coffee, take my vitamins, put some Flower Essences in my water and get to work on clearing my bedroom. I know I've been thinking about it for a whole week, but I have to actually do something about it or I will go insane and get mad at myself for not trying.
I've also tried to login to my subbing job site but it gives me the 403 page error, so that sucks. But I did sell a magazine! I posted some books online to Amazon yesterday (?) and I just checked my e-mail tonight and saw that. I also need to extend the life of the library books but that too was giving me grief of not being able to log on. So lots of stop and go things happening in my life right now. I don't see them individually as a bad thing but all together- it starts adding up and I want to try and minimize this.
Last bit of annoyances, this keyboard is very loud and it makes me not want to type anymore and I don't want to wake up Sophia. She just stirred a minute ago and is also not feeling well.
Signing out for now. I'd rather do something with Pedro then just talk. He tends to tell me all about his busy life and I sort of envy it a little and would rather him not talk about it so much when I feel like poop. He does sound very excited to tell me and it's kinda cute but after a lot of talking-more than two hours, I was starting to tune him out and that's not what I should be doing.
Baba, Sophia and I did got the book fair today at the school and I got her to cheap-o books that were worth $5. She jumped in the bounce house, made a sand art bottle, petted the farm animals and the goose (I did too), picked out a pumpkin and I even bought her a shaved ice. We got half egg custard and half cotton candy. I surprisingly liked her side better. So even though she was sick, i thought this would make her day and I think it did.
Ok really signing off this time. Night folks a.k.a. me who only reads this. My fingers are starting to forget where the keys are.
The last two days however, the weather has been semi-nice and I have put books away and searched for new jobs. I have yet to apply to them though. They are still open in my Chrome browser waiting for me to start a new job so I can be happy about work again.
Tomorrow my new goals are to drink coffee, take my vitamins, put some Flower Essences in my water and get to work on clearing my bedroom. I know I've been thinking about it for a whole week, but I have to actually do something about it or I will go insane and get mad at myself for not trying.
I've also tried to login to my subbing job site but it gives me the 403 page error, so that sucks. But I did sell a magazine! I posted some books online to Amazon yesterday (?) and I just checked my e-mail tonight and saw that. I also need to extend the life of the library books but that too was giving me grief of not being able to log on. So lots of stop and go things happening in my life right now. I don't see them individually as a bad thing but all together- it starts adding up and I want to try and minimize this.
Last bit of annoyances, this keyboard is very loud and it makes me not want to type anymore and I don't want to wake up Sophia. She just stirred a minute ago and is also not feeling well.
Signing out for now. I'd rather do something with Pedro then just talk. He tends to tell me all about his busy life and I sort of envy it a little and would rather him not talk about it so much when I feel like poop. He does sound very excited to tell me and it's kinda cute but after a lot of talking-more than two hours, I was starting to tune him out and that's not what I should be doing.
Baba, Sophia and I did got the book fair today at the school and I got her to cheap-o books that were worth $5. She jumped in the bounce house, made a sand art bottle, petted the farm animals and the goose (I did too), picked out a pumpkin and I even bought her a shaved ice. We got half egg custard and half cotton candy. I surprisingly liked her side better. So even though she was sick, i thought this would make her day and I think it did.
Ok really signing off this time. Night folks a.k.a. me who only reads this. My fingers are starting to forget where the keys are.
Wednesday, October 9, 2019
Update
Update on my life:
I feel empty inside right now. Lots of shit happening in my life and I'm trying to tune it all out. I should however, try to be more productive. I don't know if it's the weather, Ms. Sevan demanding the car or the rest of the money by the end of the year, Julie from work giving me final warnings and yelling at me for questioning breaks or a combination of everything. But I know I have Sophia in my life no matter what. And I have to try to be a better role model for her. It's hard because I just want to be alone for this time of stress but know I have an obligation to meet. Mom has been suggesting common market or Costco and Pedro (my new boyfriend of just over a month) suggesting to be a receptionist while Sophia goes to Pre-K.
I've just been feeling to go on another break from the world, even if it's just for a few hours. I went on a California trip two weeks ago and am itching for adventure ever since. I was born to travel, to learn new things and to find meaning and purpose through this chaotic world. I just need to find the right outlet. I feel as though some days are harder than others. The days when I've done little to actually get anything done. I like the thrill of a new challenge but find it difficult to accept one at this time.
How do I move on? How can I move on? I'm feeling stuck once more and am praying hard that I can find a new meaning, a new purpose again soon.
Right now I just need to focus on the small achievements. It's a lot harder when I stare at a messy bedroom. I've been cleaning here and there today but it just doesn't seem like enough. Nothing ever seems enough. I am merely an object or a body drifting through this space and time right now. I need to find new motivation so I can move forward in this current state I'm i. But it feels so hard right now. My mind feels so blurry right now, like I can't focus on just the basics to survive. I don't know what to do and am trying to search for the answers but just get defeated easily. This isn't working. I need a new alternative to my feelings.
I feel empty inside right now. Lots of shit happening in my life and I'm trying to tune it all out. I should however, try to be more productive. I don't know if it's the weather, Ms. Sevan demanding the car or the rest of the money by the end of the year, Julie from work giving me final warnings and yelling at me for questioning breaks or a combination of everything. But I know I have Sophia in my life no matter what. And I have to try to be a better role model for her. It's hard because I just want to be alone for this time of stress but know I have an obligation to meet. Mom has been suggesting common market or Costco and Pedro (my new boyfriend of just over a month) suggesting to be a receptionist while Sophia goes to Pre-K.
I've just been feeling to go on another break from the world, even if it's just for a few hours. I went on a California trip two weeks ago and am itching for adventure ever since. I was born to travel, to learn new things and to find meaning and purpose through this chaotic world. I just need to find the right outlet. I feel as though some days are harder than others. The days when I've done little to actually get anything done. I like the thrill of a new challenge but find it difficult to accept one at this time.
How do I move on? How can I move on? I'm feeling stuck once more and am praying hard that I can find a new meaning, a new purpose again soon.
Right now I just need to focus on the small achievements. It's a lot harder when I stare at a messy bedroom. I've been cleaning here and there today but it just doesn't seem like enough. Nothing ever seems enough. I am merely an object or a body drifting through this space and time right now. I need to find new motivation so I can move forward in this current state I'm i. But it feels so hard right now. My mind feels so blurry right now, like I can't focus on just the basics to survive. I don't know what to do and am trying to search for the answers but just get defeated easily. This isn't working. I need a new alternative to my feelings.
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