They always claim there is something else

I can't even be a good wife

 I can't even be a good wife. 

I had a rough day at work. I got scratched, hit and yelled at. I don't belong at a school where they don't want me. I hear rumors about me. I hear how the principal is nice to some people but not to support staff. I don't know what I did to make her not like me but here we are. I feel like I'm useless. No one wants me besides my family. I want to stay home and be a mom. I can't even do that. I need to stay at North Frederick for Sophia's sake but it's so challenging this year. They say to take it day by day but I don't think I can even do that.

"Am I Less Grumpy Now?"

 Grumpy

He says I'm grumpy. Maybe it's from post partum. Maybe it's from me calorie counting. Maybe it's because I can't indulge in anything I want to anymore. Maybe it's because I'm not seeing results quick enough. Maybe it's because I am tired by 3pm and I can't just drink and have fun or eat for fun. Maybe it's because I haven't gone to the gym this week other than to see my trainer. Maybe that's because I'm too nervous to go by myself. Maybe it's because everyone keeps on cancelling on me and my summer has been less than enjoyable sometimes. 

The first 3 years working at school have been challenging, but in a good way. But now that I know that a lot of people are not great co-workers to work with and it always seems that my opinions are not valued enough- it honestly just sucks. The two positive reasons why I am staying are because of my Pre-K team and because it's the only reason why Sophia can stay in that school.

Where to Begin?

Where to begin?

I had wanted to talk about my life since my last post was so long ago but whenever I try to think about it, so much has changed that it is just so overwhelming to write about. In short I will list some bullet points.

- Married Daniel February 5, 2021

- Settled with 50/50 custody

-Settled into my first home in Ballenger Creek

-Work at FCPS for 4 years

-Maple is our Bernedoodle. We also have had two gold fish (Da pigeon and Mo Willams),  a few Betas, an Anole called Cannoli and two Hamster (Marshmallow died after just 2 months I think and Donut who just recently passed away. She survived for 1 year and 9 months. It was the first and probably last Hamster I will ever hold. She was so soft and happy. Sophia got tired of cleaning her cage every week and once I had - Ellie (January 6th, 2024), everything changed and I couldn't be there enough for Donut or sometimes I feel Sophia. 

- Got a new lap top this last Thursday

- Oh! And I signed up for a gym membership at One Life Fitness! And hired myself a Personal Trainer. I'm watching my calorie intake and out. Making sure I get back to my goal weight of 142. I'm 12 pounds away. It's proving harder to do than I thought. Hopefully when I get back to school it will get easier because I won't be focused on food, I'll be focused on work and sleep. Lol.

- I also started really getting into Fortnite. It's my new favorite game to play. I've actually stopped playing Brawl Stars. They started getting pay to win and kept on adding too many characters.

- I want to get a house within 1-2 years. I will always love my first townhome but my family is growing and I am on a timeline with having kids. I want to enjoy Ellie but also would like to have more. I just don't feel like we have enough room for all the kids that I want to have lol.

- I also want to not work but at least have 2 more years left in me so Sophia can stay at North Fred. 

Anyway, there's my life in a nut shell.

Cradles-Sub Urban

 I'm tired of fighting this up high battle with myself, Sophia and the custody case. I don't understand how people can go on with life when their life with their child (ren) are on the line. I've been focusing on my day-to-day life rather than sit in misery of my past or future but on the week coming up to my period is the hardest. My hormones go topsy-turvy and I can't control it no matter what I do. I've tried walking, eating, drinking, chugging water, taking some vitamins. But the one thing I try hard not to do is cry. I want to cry so hard but if I give in then that shows I'm weak to Daniel and I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want his help. I don't want him to try and "save" me or "help" me because that shows I'm weak. He can't do any of that. He's not supposed to help me when I'm like this. Show concern-ok, but to continuously follow me around when I just want to be left alone is so fucking frustrating. And now I need a time limit to be confined to a room. I can't go out of the room or else he'll just follow me like a lost puppy dog. I'm also mad and Sophia and James. He  just gives her whatever she wants and she gets spoiled because of this. She's been over to his parents house with him twice now. Since then she's been spewing a lot of "I want" and "I don't want to do that". A lot of fights from just today that ends in me getting angry at her for not following directions and for not listening. Now I'm attempting to talk to Belle but I don't know how much good that will do. 

I was shook from what Pedro told me about not believing in an afterlife. I cried and went to sleep. I wanted to understand how he didn't believe so much that I started asking questions in a Facebook post.

This was my post:

"I know you can't make anyone believe In God, but how can you try to lead them in that direction? There is someone that I'm talking to and they believe that once you die there is no afterlife. The only meaning is to live a life of happiness and to have people or family remember you through the good things you did on this earth and how you acted.So that they can live through you and do good by from what you did.
So this one life that we have doesn't mean anything after you die? Your consciousness just ceases to exist? So then what's the point of living at all if it doesn't mean anything?? What’s the point of trying your best at anything?"

The responses I got where as expected and I didn't doubt any of them but I also couldn't wrap my brain around it either.


 The conversation goes like this:

"You respect their wishes

What's the point at trying your best? because you have the here and now to effect the world. What you leave behind is your legacy. Might as well be the best

If you are saying, why should anyone be good? Because we have the ability to empathize with others and feel compassion. The gold rule of "do unto others what you would like done unto yourself" or something exists for a reason."

"what if I just wanted to fuck the world and their rules because it doesn’t make any difference what you do anymore? Life doesn’t have meaning if you think that way in my eyes."

"You do understand that there are genuinely good people who do not believe in the afterlife right? And what's more, they aren't doing it out of fear of damnation but out of the kindness of their hearts. There are outliers in all things. But to say that people are only good if they are threatened with the stick is a big over statement.

In a counter point to your statement, why not just jump into a pool of lava to make it to the afterlife as soon as possible before your soul gets muddied with life? this works both ways"

"Obviously I know that there are good people in the world that don’t believe in what I believe in, I’m just trying to understand why they believe this is all."

"There is no proof beyond that of a book written and twisted by people throughout history"

 "What about the phenomenon of people who didn’t believe in anything then they have a near death experience and then come back believing there is something out there?"

"I think that was taken to be hospital lights for the "bright white light" I dunno"

Then I watched this movie called The Discovery. There were some interesting points in the beginning and what their conclusion about the after life was about. 
  Oct 2019

 

Progress

 I just feel like being sad. All the memories.. When I listen to Joji, I get sad. Listening to that RUN song that made me so angry and sad when he broke up with me.. When he didn't want to be mine anymore.. When he wanted it to end because I felt like he didn't try hard enough.. I feel like that has been almost all of my life.. Me trying so hard and not receiving the love back. Me trying through all of these relationships and not getting any leeway in. I felt like why try anymore? Why go above and beyond for nothing? Why try anymore? What's the point?

Then Pedro killed himself. Overdosed on pills purposely. I was his very last girlfriend. I never thought in a million years that i would ever be his last. That I would ever have someone die.. No, never have a friend or an ex commit suicide.. Never ever........ 

In between all of that though... I met Daniel. . I didn't think me hanging with him would grant anything other than familiarity and comfort. He is sooo tiny to me. Him, 5'6" and me 6 feet. Quiet a difference... But our jokes are quiet the same.. Same cheesiness.. Same values. And to top it off, he is great with Sophia. Better than all my other relationships COMBINED, and that's seriously saying something. I am so grateful for having him in my life when Pedro killed himself and so thankful for all of his help and guidance through my own struggles in life. He has truly been there in my life through all of it and I could honestly not have done it without him. He is my rock. I don't ever want to lose him. EVER. 

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