Time Heals All Wounds

I am finally thinking clearer thoughts. And I feel like a terrible person because he has been giving so much to me and i've just been taking. I need to give back and feel good about doing it. There was something there in the beginning stages of our relationship that i loved, dearly. But as the months went on i just became so numb to receiving so much that i became a jerk to him. It's just one sided and i've been ignoring it for so long. I wondered why this was so and i know why now. I just need space, for a week or two or maybe three and now I feel so much better- so much alive. Staying at my house with my mom allowed me time. I think I was so caught up in the us that I didn't focus on me enough and felt crowded when he kept calling, texting, talking to me. Talking to me about love and the urges he had that I just shut down. I couldn't breath from the pressures, the vibes he was giving off. But if we can work out these small problems we can work anything out, right? Everything needs to be in moderation. I can't just sit there and do nothing, but I also can't give it my all because i'll just burn out and shut down again. I don't know why that is, but I have a big hunch it's because of my lyme disease. But If I am thinking and doing better now. I can do better in the future. I used to be angry about time. How time never heals the pain, just numbs it. But now I believe that time has the power to do wonders if one is patient enough. Love sacrifices so much but if you give your partner enough time to think and to understand and to be patient then you have already won the race my friend.

START.

A hot shower. warmth. safe feeling. the hooves of horses galloping through my ears. warm wetness. well being. comfort. rain drops. warm rain drops. waking up to reality. not knowing which path to go. should i pray? should i not pray? what will that lead me to? the sound of silence. then persistence with a phone  call. need space. need lots of space from people. especially closer to me. alone. to think. but i need family. i need to feel some comfort in being alone. mothers. they always help. missed call. i feel the nagging of them needing to talk. i need space. cool down. finals are next week. need to focus. need to focus on just me for a change. need space. too much space will have friends wondering why i'm disappearing. but i just need to be alone. i get things done. laundry done. books are finally being read. i'm even thinking about picking up my camera for every day use. like they tell me to. like i need to. to survive. to breathe. to escape. to live. what do i do? what do i do with my art? with my photography? unorganized. room messy. i'm talking like a zombie. need to make a list. need to think. need to clean room. clean room=clean mind. to think. to think clearly. to speak better. fluently. without fault. with our fault of others not understanding me. need to breathe. air circulation. feel better. deep breaths. feeling tired. want to read book 4. almost done. hungry. hungry for more books. more time. more alone time. more time to think. feel. think. feel. think. feel. feel what? what is there to feel? i haven't felt anything for a while. why? it was going great. life is at a halt. it took me five times to write halt because spell check changed it to fault. fault. why to fault? is it a clue? is what a clue? fault? what is fault? what am i doing wrong? something needs to get fixed. to be fixed. i feel soft. as soft as the clouds. if that could be possible. i feel. i feel what? i want to go downstairs now and listen to movies playing aimlessly while i help. help my mom. feeling better by writing list. lost. no. not right in this moment. but in future yes. i need to wait. i'm remembering a movie. but i don't remember what's it about. i'm waiting for something. i don't know what it is. but there it is. it will take me there. inception. has good ideas. need to stop. need to breath. need not to be alone in a cold room. need to invest in heater. need warmth. have warmth. blankets. warm bodies. family. familiar voices. love. need to continue to push good will on earth. need to continue to give. laugh. live. smile. it feels like it's been forever. i used to be such a nice polite respectful person. it's gone. all of it. i remember another movie. we need to find all of them. x-men. ending is necessary but how long until i hurt someone. something. someone. myself. my room. need to clean. need to feel like i am slowly accomplishing things again. to feel like me. to feel. to feel. to feel love in return. to be nice to people more and more each day. to not show any failure. to live. to live beyond me. to live beyond normal expectation of me. to excel. to exceed. to suck up if needed. but most of all to love. another movie. book. to love harry. exclaimed Dumbledore. 

END.

The Long Walk Home

Too catch up on a few things:

A tuff manager of mine said I was doing well in the window and didn't need any help. And that means a lot to me because she usually puts me down by accusing me of doing something I didn't do. And ever since I have been in the window her and I get along.

I went to the Zoo with Jeff just last Monday (the first day of Thanksgiving Break) and although it was cold walking for so long I had a wonderful time.  It was getting dark and we rounded about to the seal section. There were three seals near the door ( I assume they wanted food or to go in) but there was one that was showing off for Jeff and I. It was fun because i had put my finger on the glass and moved it in an up direction and when I did that the seal did a backwards flip in the water! It was like I learned a trick. :) I did that for a good while and when I didn't give him a treat he made this angry face. It was the cutest thing ever. And then he persisted in being more adorable by putting his nose at the bottom of the glass and looking up with those huge puppy-dog eyes of his. Then other people came and he got distracted.. But then he disappeared and  I went down stairs to another part to see if he was there and he  was! And I played with him. At one point I even ran across, back and forth where the glass was and he swam with me! It was an experience I could never forget. I saw lots of creatures I don't remember seeing from before when I went to the Zoo 3 years ago I think with Katrina. But I want to go in the Summer when it's warmer and see them all again! Then we went across the street to Starbucks and I got  a Caramel Brûlée which was quite tasty and we went him through the metro. When we went through the tunnel to get to our car there was this man that was playing some sort of flute and I was surprised because I told Jeff if he was still there when we got back then I would give him some money. ANd low and behold he was there, so I gave him two dollars. We have to support local artist some how :)

And now I am off to go to my exhibition for Professor Coltrin's class. I used the page of when I saw Mrs. Hanlin and Jeff (her son) was holding her hand. It is a touching strong piece that I used by making it a puzzle and then proceeding to put it in a golden frame, titled: The Long Walk Home.

P.S. It was my birthday yesterday and I turned 24!

P.P.S. It is mine and Jeff's 6 month anniversary today! How the time has passed!