What I am Good At (Please Update as new thoughts develop)

I know that I am good at:

- Accepting death. When i finally accept the death and pray for their should to move on, the next day or the next hour it happens.
- Fixing things. Mechanical items. I took apart the vacuum cleaner over and over again until I found the problem.
- Children's art
- Photography of details-food, antiques, historical buildings
- I'm good at noticing the little details in life

Journal Entry Catch Up--------scars, complaining, fixing things, horses, end

Today has been super tense. It's just another build up of things not happening for me. Mom has been working all week and even when she's home or on a "break" she is still on her phone or working. My problem with this is that she doesn't have any time for me or fifi anymore. She promised to call Mr. Roberts about the back yard, she promised to help me move her dads shelf upstairs, and she promises to do artwork-yet she breaks all of those promises within  few minutes of-"oh wait! I have to call this person or text this person!" Or "I forgot this and this.. I only have a few minutes... I" she makes up these excuses and sure they may be real but she needs real breaks! So God can you please give her a job where she can make enough time in the day to relax? I'm not complaining but I'm angry that she doesn't have enough time and that she can't find a decent full time job. I mean it has been over 8 years that I have been praying for this. It's about damn time!!!!

Also, Sophia has been mommy mommy for the past week. Always having something to say but not saying it, or complaining about no milk in my boobs or complaining that  I have to go with her everywhere when I just want some time to MYself. Hopefully this going out tomorrow to Frederick will ease the tension in the air. Even though it's supposed to pour!! I don't know where we are going to do the project.

On a side note- I fixed the stupid vacuum cleaner!-again! First it wouldn't suck and then when I finally got it to suck it was making an ugly loud groaning sound. The problem was an acorn top and lots of dust. So now I finally know how to fix a vacuum cleaner once all the pieces are off/out of place.

I need to take a shower. Maybe mom will cut my hair, we'll see. She can't keep many promises these days, OR when she does- she doesn't remember saying them. . . angry face..

Why did my family have to dispute with each other? Christina and family have a horse now that I could've ridden if  only they got along! :( I've been wanting to ride a horse for such a long time. I miss being up there and being one with the horse and just riding and being apart of them. They are such majestic creatures. I galloped once and it was so fast I thought I was going to fall off but it was so much fun! Maybe Nicholas will have a friend that owns a horse that I could ride. :)

Also Nicholas Day (another Nick) photographed my scars. The long cat one on my right arm and my C-section scar. He really wanted someone for that one. His show is April 13-14 so i can't wait to see it up close! I felt bored being at home all day and it has been nice all week long. I just wanted to enjoy the weather and me being alone for a little bit and me feeling special for being photographed for a miracle birth. And for me just going a little bit out there but I haven't been doing out of the world things as of late.

Wine-O thought and Horrible Type-O's... Thank you

I'm outside for the first time in a while and i just wanted to list what i am hearing and experiencing in such a long time. (it feels like). (Edit later).

I hear the tap tap of my fingers on keyboard.. I hear the cars passing by and the slight moos of a cow and the wind rustling the tree dead leaves from across the street. I miss this; the silence. But because of sophia there is no silence no extreme fun like I've had in my college days . .   almost feel like I stopped typing bc of this silence. . . and to just listen.. . . . I have to admit i have some in my system right now but I think it's ok considering the week I've had. I don't feel like typing, more like speaking of what has happened in the last few days. Scars, lights in the dark on my block in Keedysville , wine, tinder...., fifi sleeping on the couch, maybe these topics will come again when I'm editing. For right now instead of typing I feel like witnessing  my silence with the sounds I hear.  At the monument park in shepherstown.. and that horrible filter air thing that hear right now and the fact that mom will come home any second (I  call her Baba btw) AND  the nick guy I'm meeting on Saturday I wonder what will type out correctly as i spell this out..and if/when we move to Texas and if my fingers  can keep up with my thoughts which i don't think can happen while I'm under the influence or my finger only work for my phone... I need to practice more. I have back up  for such an occasion like this (tinder or facebook or other random social site ) I'm not even reading what I'm typing.... so best of luck you goon!





P.S. moskitos will die out with summer because of this one hot day of 76 degrees. "You're welcome" is what the sun i saying right now.

End.

P.P.S. you ned to unwind more and just breathe.. just listen.. just breathe. You are too wound up and you can't be.. You are better than this...