thoughts turned into words turned into nothingness once again

I wish I could yell, SCREAM, throw stuff! rocks! anything right now! I have this anger, heartache, sadness but mostly anger that seemed to come from nowhere. I was at peace for three days-no vomiting and then bam like a ton of bricks that collapsed onto my heart- a text from James. "Are they available online?' I read this out loud and my mom bursts out that maybe he doesn't want to see you. And that hit home- all of these days I was trying to control my heartache, my sadness, my weakness, and turn into positive and NOT THINKING about it escaped me and now here I am. I tried counting to 10 and was able to restart my mind, but then it came back around. I even prayed to God to keep me stable, clear minded, strong. I even prayed to guide James to make he right decisions and usually I would say to guide him back to me. But then I stopped and thought- Do I really want him back to me? He as caused me so much misery just by avoiding my texts and he hasn't been loving me unconditionally through my weak days to my angry days to the days I just want to talk his ear off. He hasn't been around for a month! And that's when I thought about it. I was happier when he didn't text me- when the ball was in my court and I didn't have to respond to his text, "What vitamins do you want?" I felt empowerment, I felt strong, I felt like I was in control of the situation even when for the longest time I hadn't been. And now this. Me hearing from him and waiting for a response and eating me out alive once again. I wish I could grow numb to it and just accept the terms that he is never coming back. But part of me is ripped away- my emotional side- it's saying to keep on fighting, keep on praying and just keep on keeping on and soon THIS TOO SHALL PASS. And I want so hard to believe this but my mind is dwindling down hill from assuming so many things, it's hard to grasp what I SHOULD do. what I NEED to do and what I WANT to do. This has been entwined in my brain, circling, and hindering, and reinventing what I should do. And at the end of it all, all I do is PRAY. Because I don't know what else to do and THERE IS NOTHING I can do. The ball is once again in his court and I am AFRAID.

Cause Every Little Thing is Gonna be Alright

I feel more at piece today for some reason. The last two and a half days I was depressed- or just mainly sad. But Today I woke up with a good dream of fucking a celebrity and took a nice long hot shower and just made myself feel better. I put lotion on and just took my time getting up today. I don't know why I have this sudden shift of renewal, but I like it.

What I can't Do. What can I do?

My heart has been aching like I've lost him. I haven't seen him for almost a full month now. Why isn't he responding to me but he is to his friends? I'm lost. I can't do anything because I don't know what he is thinking. I have been assuming and we all know what that leads to. I play out different scenarios in my head as to what I could say to him that would change his stubborn mind and talk to me but nothing comes back. I think I am slowly going insane but who knows. His friends say he will be back. He's not that kind of guy but what if he does this when we are living together? If he doesn't like something or its his way or the highway. Will he up and leaving again? I am so confused by all of this. I don't know what to do and get sad because of this. I wish that there was something I could do to get him back to me. So we can work this out. So I can be with him again. So I can love him unconditionally. So I can have hot passionate sex with him. So I can never leave his side ever again. So I can stop throwing up in the mornings and I have to do that by being happy. Our relationship needs to heal. I miss him so so so  much.

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