What am I doing with my life? 

Friends are hard to deal with. I'm better off without them. That way I can just be free from all worry and gossip and hatred that is coming my way. I don't need anyone that does not support me in what I have to say. If you are going to talk shit behind my back then it's better that i am not friends with you, because you are a deceitful and a horrible lying person. And I hope never to see you again.

I feel weird. I feel like nothing today. I slept for 13 hours and I think that is why my balance is off, my reactions to timing is off. I want to drive somewhere and do something, but I don't know where to go. I have been slouched over in my bed for the past week and even though I had school, when I came home that's where I went to. I am going out on wednesday and have a Skype chat with Katrina tomorrow, so all feels like it is going according to plan. Also, it is crazy that I am typing right now without looking at the keyboard, but then the moment I say that I am doubting myself and my fingers miss the right letter. I just have to not think about it and all will be good. I want to read again like I used to, and I want to edit my photographs from forever ago. And all this space is letting me do what I want, which I love. I felt as if when I was with him I didn't get anything done. I just played video games all the time. And now that I am alone I feel much happier. More free. More wanting to eat food all the time now and smile more and talk to people more. It's weird that I never noticed that when I was with him. Maybe I felt as if I was caged in even though he gave me everything.

And now I feel like I am going to cry because the person I thought I could trust is thinking that I am making her do things- which is not true. She can do or not do whatever, and truth is she often has her way. So I find this conversation to be Bull Shit and that maybe she is talking behind my back to you know who.

Just Take One small Step

I feel like I didn't love him the way he loved me. I felt like he was trying very hard, but i also felt he was suffocating me. I had it all but I left it all because i needed to be on my own- to figure my own life out. I felt like I couldn't figure myself out with him there, constantly checking on me. I feel like I need my alone time to an extremity. I felt like shit after I told him no so many times on the phone, and he kept on saying, "you're lying, you still love me" over and over again to at which I had to end it. It was too painful for me to bare. I love him. I love him with all my heart but to a different degree that he loves me. And after all was said and done I thought back to the moments when we were happy and free and i'll miss those moments. But I know it's for the best. And I'll be ready for whatever life throws my way. I know that if I can get through my dad passing, I can get through this. Just one day at a time. Now I have to get off because my three cats are shoving things off the surfaces. I know a lot of people are going to hate me, and I know a lot of people I will never get to talk again to and I know I will miss it, but I have to be moving forward. I will have someone smiling on the other side just in case I get sadden again and again. And that's comforting to know when I feel like I have nothing. And when I talk to my friends life gets a little easier and the moment I stop talking it just gets hard again. Just take one small step at a time. That's all anyone can do in life.