I need out. But there are so many consequences to this. Mom will be mad at me. The whole family will be. I will have no degree and will waste it away and will need to pay the school bills if I do drop out. On the up side I will have moved out and work full time to pay for bills. Down side I will have no car. I just NEED to move out. Even when I have space I have none. Photography is getting me nowhere in life and quite frankly I don't care. I want to be a house wife. That is my dream goal. I want to stay up all hours of the night. I want to be able to go down stairs and watch tv in the middle of the night and to be naked in my house hold without having my mother yell at me for being awake "At this hour". I want, no I need to move out so I can be a big girl and do big girl things. Seriously. Has it come down to her suffocating me even when she's not? I need to talk to Kristen about this. Maybe she can help me. If I drop out now I can't get the money I paid for the school this semester. Should I stay just for this semester? Is it even worth it? I just feel like none of this is helping me in the long run. Just wasting everyones money and time. In the long run I only have 5 classes left until I could perhaps graduate. However, I've been only needing those many classes FOREVER and I can't stand it any longer! I need to break free from this environment. It feels tainted to me. I feel pressured to graduate. Get a degree. Work till I'm dead. Have a marriage, husband and kids. I feel like where I am now is not helping me anymore. I am dead to learning new things in college. It is now just wasting my time. I wish I could just quit it all and just live under a rock. I wish I could live on a farm away from technology and people pressuring you to excel in everything. They say it's for the best but really how is this helping? How is struggling just to pass a few extra classes helping any at all? I failed math and I am retaking it. BUT I PUT SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH TIME INTO IT FOR NOTHING. I am giving up. I can't win. I'm going to be like my dad and just drop out. The pressures for graduating is strong. But maybe I should do this. Maybe this is the time for change.
I need change in my life right now. If I don't get it soon, I will explode. I will fail. I will drop out.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
Dreams
In this dream I was with my co-workers working but not at the place I work. Ha-ha. And I was flirting with a guy name Keith. At the end of our shift we gave each other a big hug.
Then the dream changed to it having Dwight tell all about how he loved roller coasters and he showed us videos. As we were looking it was like I was in a roller coaster. There were green, red and blue ones. Each one different from the next.
Then I was with a group with random classmates I didn't know. (Did you know the people who you think appear at random in your dream and you you think you don't know are people you have actually have seen in real life. You might have glanced at them or seen them walking down the street. There your brain has recognized and stored information about this individual in the subconscious part of your mind. Interesting right?) Anyway, well we were all in an aisle looking at these boxes with holes in them and the guy in charge said we needed to take care of these animals that were in each box. I opened my box and took out this what appeared to have a pink tinge to the coat but it was white (short curly-ish hair with floppy ears.) It was a small dog that was mostly blind. His right eye could see a small amount they said. He looked scared but I made sure he wouldn't fall from the shelf he was on. The dream changed back and forth to having the dog and then to having an albino fish ( almost looked like an albino small catfish) to a bigger fish that took up all the tank that he was in. And for a bigger fish it actually looked really cute. ( and it was a darkish green) And get this the tank looked like the size of a quart sized milk container and where you put the water into the tank was in the side and the water didn't fall out.
Then there was a part of my dream were I thought I was drunk and at times I couldn't see where I was walking. I was with a these random girls and this one girl had a coat that she put around me. She put me towards the end of a cliff and pushed me off. I was like a helicopter plant (Like the ones that fall off from trees) and I was slowly though twirling and gliding down so far. Then I saw that there was a body of frozen water that I needed to get away from so I tried getting away by shifting my body. I did and hit the ground which was red jello. I even tasted it to see. The girl who pushed me down said from way up high she didn't want me to ruin the jello she made. I saw a huge shark in the frozen water and it could not move but was trying to. This other girl came down on a helicopter plant thing but hers could move like a normal plane so she grabbed ahold of me and we went back up the cliff but to the other side.
Then the dream changed and I was with Keith again and a girl. I was looking through a telescope and saw the moon but it was giving me a smug smile. I wanted to show them but by the time I did the moon was just a moon. And then someone had captured a whale but it wasn't a whale at all it was a whale coin purse and I jingled it around and had to get the change out from the mouth but couldn't.
And then the dream changed one more time and there we were, my mom, dad and me in the kitchen of this plastic home. I was on the floor, my mother sitting at the kitchen table and my dad in the other room. The powder room had a speaker and this korean lady was at the other end trying to call us. "Is anybody there, oh I guess not" at that point my dad came jogging from the other room into the bathroom and was trying to figure out which button he had to press to talk back to her. I told him it was the larger looking button and he pressed it.
I wanted to dream more but my mother had woken me up talking about going to her Sharpsbug shop. And then I was an appointment at 5pm and then at 6 I am going to try and do Yoga at Shepherd. This will be fun and hopefully good for me. Wish me luck.
Then the dream changed to it having Dwight tell all about how he loved roller coasters and he showed us videos. As we were looking it was like I was in a roller coaster. There were green, red and blue ones. Each one different from the next.
Then I was with a group with random classmates I didn't know. (Did you know the people who you think appear at random in your dream and you you think you don't know are people you have actually have seen in real life. You might have glanced at them or seen them walking down the street. There your brain has recognized and stored information about this individual in the subconscious part of your mind. Interesting right?) Anyway, well we were all in an aisle looking at these boxes with holes in them and the guy in charge said we needed to take care of these animals that were in each box. I opened my box and took out this what appeared to have a pink tinge to the coat but it was white (short curly-ish hair with floppy ears.) It was a small dog that was mostly blind. His right eye could see a small amount they said. He looked scared but I made sure he wouldn't fall from the shelf he was on. The dream changed back and forth to having the dog and then to having an albino fish ( almost looked like an albino small catfish) to a bigger fish that took up all the tank that he was in. And for a bigger fish it actually looked really cute. ( and it was a darkish green) And get this the tank looked like the size of a quart sized milk container and where you put the water into the tank was in the side and the water didn't fall out.
Then there was a part of my dream were I thought I was drunk and at times I couldn't see where I was walking. I was with a these random girls and this one girl had a coat that she put around me. She put me towards the end of a cliff and pushed me off. I was like a helicopter plant (Like the ones that fall off from trees) and I was slowly though twirling and gliding down so far. Then I saw that there was a body of frozen water that I needed to get away from so I tried getting away by shifting my body. I did and hit the ground which was red jello. I even tasted it to see. The girl who pushed me down said from way up high she didn't want me to ruin the jello she made. I saw a huge shark in the frozen water and it could not move but was trying to. This other girl came down on a helicopter plant thing but hers could move like a normal plane so she grabbed ahold of me and we went back up the cliff but to the other side.
Then the dream changed and I was with Keith again and a girl. I was looking through a telescope and saw the moon but it was giving me a smug smile. I wanted to show them but by the time I did the moon was just a moon. And then someone had captured a whale but it wasn't a whale at all it was a whale coin purse and I jingled it around and had to get the change out from the mouth but couldn't.
And then the dream changed one more time and there we were, my mom, dad and me in the kitchen of this plastic home. I was on the floor, my mother sitting at the kitchen table and my dad in the other room. The powder room had a speaker and this korean lady was at the other end trying to call us. "Is anybody there, oh I guess not" at that point my dad came jogging from the other room into the bathroom and was trying to figure out which button he had to press to talk back to her. I told him it was the larger looking button and he pressed it.
I wanted to dream more but my mother had woken me up talking about going to her Sharpsbug shop. And then I was an appointment at 5pm and then at 6 I am going to try and do Yoga at Shepherd. This will be fun and hopefully good for me. Wish me luck.
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