I need out. But there are so many consequences to this. Mom will be mad at me. The whole family will be. I will have no degree and will waste it away and will need to pay the school bills if I do drop out. On the up side I will have moved out and work full time to pay for bills. Down side I will have no car. I just NEED to move out. Even when I have space I have none. Photography is getting me nowhere in life and quite frankly I don't care. I want to be a house wife. That is my dream goal. I want to stay up all hours of the night. I want to be able to go down stairs and watch tv in the middle of the night and to be naked in my house hold without having my mother yell at me for being awake "At this hour". I want, no I need to move out so I can be a big girl and do big girl things. Seriously. Has it come down to her suffocating me even when she's not? I need to talk to Kristen about this. Maybe she can help me. If I drop out now I can't get the money I paid for the school this semester. Should I stay just for this semester? Is it even worth it? I just feel like none of this is helping me in the long run. Just wasting everyones money and time. In the long run I only have 5 classes left until I could perhaps graduate. However, I've been only needing those many classes FOREVER and I can't stand it any longer! I need to break free from this environment. It feels tainted to me. I feel pressured to graduate. Get a degree. Work till I'm dead. Have a marriage, husband and kids. I feel like where I am now is not helping me anymore. I am dead to learning new things in college. It is now just wasting my time. I wish I could just quit it all and just live under a rock. I wish I could live on a farm away from technology and people pressuring you to excel in everything. They say it's for the best but really how is this helping? How is struggling just to pass a few extra classes helping any at all? I failed math and I am retaking it. BUT I PUT SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH TIME INTO IT FOR NOTHING. I am giving up. I can't win. I'm going to be like my dad and just drop out. The pressures for graduating is strong. But maybe I should do this. Maybe this is the time for change.
I need change in my life right now. If I don't get it soon, I will explode. I will fail. I will drop out.
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