I was shook from what Pedro told me about not believing in an afterlife. I cried and went to sleep. I wanted to understand how he didn't believe so much that I started asking questions in a Facebook post.

This was my post:

"I know you can't make anyone believe In God, but how can you try to lead them in that direction? There is someone that I'm talking to and they believe that once you die there is no afterlife. The only meaning is to live a life of happiness and to have people or family remember you through the good things you did on this earth and how you acted.So that they can live through you and do good by from what you did.
So this one life that we have doesn't mean anything after you die? Your consciousness just ceases to exist? So then what's the point of living at all if it doesn't mean anything?? What’s the point of trying your best at anything?"

The responses I got where as expected and I didn't doubt any of them but I also couldn't wrap my brain around it either.


 The conversation goes like this:

"You respect their wishes

What's the point at trying your best? because you have the here and now to effect the world. What you leave behind is your legacy. Might as well be the best

If you are saying, why should anyone be good? Because we have the ability to empathize with others and feel compassion. The gold rule of "do unto others what you would like done unto yourself" or something exists for a reason."

"what if I just wanted to fuck the world and their rules because it doesn’t make any difference what you do anymore? Life doesn’t have meaning if you think that way in my eyes."

"You do understand that there are genuinely good people who do not believe in the afterlife right? And what's more, they aren't doing it out of fear of damnation but out of the kindness of their hearts. There are outliers in all things. But to say that people are only good if they are threatened with the stick is a big over statement.

In a counter point to your statement, why not just jump into a pool of lava to make it to the afterlife as soon as possible before your soul gets muddied with life? this works both ways"

"Obviously I know that there are good people in the world that don’t believe in what I believe in, I’m just trying to understand why they believe this is all."

"There is no proof beyond that of a book written and twisted by people throughout history"

 "What about the phenomenon of people who didn’t believe in anything then they have a near death experience and then come back believing there is something out there?"

"I think that was taken to be hospital lights for the "bright white light" I dunno"

Then I watched this movie called The Discovery. There were some interesting points in the beginning and what their conclusion about the after life was about. 
  Oct 2019

 

Progress

 I just feel like being sad. All the memories.. When I listen to Joji, I get sad. Listening to that RUN song that made me so angry and sad when he broke up with me.. When he didn't want to be mine anymore.. When he wanted it to end because I felt like he didn't try hard enough.. I feel like that has been almost all of my life.. Me trying so hard and not receiving the love back. Me trying through all of these relationships and not getting any leeway in. I felt like why try anymore? Why go above and beyond for nothing? Why try anymore? What's the point?

Then Pedro killed himself. Overdosed on pills purposely. I was his very last girlfriend. I never thought in a million years that i would ever be his last. That I would ever have someone die.. No, never have a friend or an ex commit suicide.. Never ever........ 

In between all of that though... I met Daniel. . I didn't think me hanging with him would grant anything other than familiarity and comfort. He is sooo tiny to me. Him, 5'6" and me 6 feet. Quiet a difference... But our jokes are quiet the same.. Same cheesiness.. Same values. And to top it off, he is great with Sophia. Better than all my other relationships COMBINED, and that's seriously saying something. I am so grateful for having him in my life when Pedro killed himself and so thankful for all of his help and guidance through my own struggles in life. He has truly been there in my life through all of it and I could honestly not have done it without him. He is my rock. I don't ever want to lose him. EVER. 

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