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A hot shower. warmth. safe feeling. the hooves of horses galloping through my ears. warm wetness. well being. comfort. rain drops. warm rain drops. waking up to reality. not knowing which path to go. should i pray? should i not pray? what will that lead me to? the sound of silence. then persistence with a phone  call. need space. need lots of space from people. especially closer to me. alone. to think. but i need family. i need to feel some comfort in being alone. mothers. they always help. missed call. i feel the nagging of them needing to talk. i need space. cool down. finals are next week. need to focus. need to focus on just me for a change. need space. too much space will have friends wondering why i'm disappearing. but i just need to be alone. i get things done. laundry done. books are finally being read. i'm even thinking about picking up my camera for every day use. like they tell me to. like i need to. to survive. to breathe. to escape. to live. what do i do? what do i do with my art? with my photography? unorganized. room messy. i'm talking like a zombie. need to make a list. need to think. need to clean room. clean room=clean mind. to think. to think clearly. to speak better. fluently. without fault. with our fault of others not understanding me. need to breathe. air circulation. feel better. deep breaths. feeling tired. want to read book 4. almost done. hungry. hungry for more books. more time. more alone time. more time to think. feel. think. feel. think. feel. feel what? what is there to feel? i haven't felt anything for a while. why? it was going great. life is at a halt. it took me five times to write halt because spell check changed it to fault. fault. why to fault? is it a clue? is what a clue? fault? what is fault? what am i doing wrong? something needs to get fixed. to be fixed. i feel soft. as soft as the clouds. if that could be possible. i feel. i feel what? i want to go downstairs now and listen to movies playing aimlessly while i help. help my mom. feeling better by writing list. lost. no. not right in this moment. but in future yes. i need to wait. i'm remembering a movie. but i don't remember what's it about. i'm waiting for something. i don't know what it is. but there it is. it will take me there. inception. has good ideas. need to stop. need to breath. need not to be alone in a cold room. need to invest in heater. need warmth. have warmth. blankets. warm bodies. family. familiar voices. love. need to continue to push good will on earth. need to continue to give. laugh. live. smile. it feels like it's been forever. i used to be such a nice polite respectful person. it's gone. all of it. i remember another movie. we need to find all of them. x-men. ending is necessary but how long until i hurt someone. something. someone. myself. my room. need to clean. need to feel like i am slowly accomplishing things again. to feel like me. to feel. to feel. to feel love in return. to be nice to people more and more each day. to not show any failure. to live. to live beyond me. to live beyond normal expectation of me. to excel. to exceed. to suck up if needed. but most of all to love. another movie. book. to love harry. exclaimed Dumbledore. 

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