You Can Do This

I just feel i need to write tonight. Yesterday I didn't sleep at all. I just couldn't so today I made a promise to myself that I would stay up for 24 hours. Worst idea ever, while it did work for me to be extremely tired tonight (trying to get back on schedule for school) it did cause a small uncalled for behavior from me. I got angry, slap happy, frustrated, happy, clean- a.k.a. cleaned my whole room and yes that means laundry, but most of all I was sarcastic and just plain rude. Even though I didn't think I was being rude, I think I came off as rude because earlier when James was here I showed him a simple painting I did and showed him what I painted (which I thought I was spot on with the look-a-like) but all he did was look at each one and pretended to lick them. I know he was trying to be goofy and yes he is weird for doing that and normally I wouldn't have cared but since I got ZERO sleep I was very touchy-feely and was very upset when he didn't say anything positive about my painting. (It's of my pig dolls I got from Mom). So when I said to not talk to me I meant it. And later when I explained all of this to him all he said was you are being mean today. But that's all he said to me! We slept for an hour or two and I had been asking him what he wanted to do. I keep on asking him because we both are indecisive people but I feel him more so and that he says he's bored but does nothing about it. So I list what we could do. We both were hungry so I said lets go to Sheetz (btw this is all summed up to what affected me the most-left out details that I felt unimportant to me) and then he said I should sleep. He did his phone thing and when I gave him options about how to proceed to eat he just merely laid down. I got frustrated with this and decided to go downstairs and eat bowls of cereal. I'm glad I ate because it gained my perspective on the situation. I was being selfish to have him all to myself when he simply wanted to go home and eat there. But I was sad because we usually would want to spend nights together, but tonight he wanted to leave and made the excuse that Lucy didn't eat. Which yeah she hadn't, but in the past he would've said, awe that's fine she had enough snacks tonight. The most upsetting point of the evening was when I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything at all including our relationship and what happened early today, he simply got up, went upstairs and got Lucy and we waved goodbye and he left. The moment I was alone to think I felt so fucked up for even being mean to him even though I was just cranky- I was/am upset that he decided to run off than to talk to me or even at least say, hey let's talk about this tomorrow). Instead he just left. And when he walked into the night I knew instantly that I had to fix this stupid poor me Larissa syndrome and apologize and go hug him. So I took off my socks (since it has rained earlier) and went up to hug him. I wanted to cry, as i was about to in the house, but I was already tired from walking-heart pumping even though it was 30 seconds away. I said I was sorry for being so rude earlier, it was uncalled for and we made peace as he hugged me and said I love you. I said goodbye to Lucy and they  drove away.

On the happier note today I got a Veiltail Betta named Mr. Sir F. or Stewart Small the Second because he looks just like my very first betta. I'm trying this time without my filter because every time I put a fish in several months later they die from being sucked into hose which is Bull Shit and I should call and sue the company for killing my fish. James was actually taking the time to help me find the perfect fish which I loved that he was trying. :) He really is a sweet guy but I wish if little things like this happened that we would talk about them by the next night. I just wish he would  even say just that. Maybe it's time to have Molly come with us. Maybe she can help make this right. And also, I really think I'm just going to throw this out there that I haven't had any sleep so I think all these thought in my head are just because I just need some damn sleep. No reason to worry Larissa your just over thinking things like you sometimes do. Also glad he left because when I had those two bowl of cereal not only does my roof of mouth hurt from the stupid Fruit Loops but I am farting like a motherfucker right now. Lmao. I used to not ever say that word and look at me go now.

Also I think I'll play one game of easy bot mode League tonight. I haven't done that since a few weeks when we started dating- cold turkey quit for 3 months just like that. Crazy how addicted to it I was when Jeff was around and now I haven't played it in forever.

I also have been thinking about my past more with relationships and evaluating each one of them to see where the faults had lied and why they did end up ending. And I thought I had given up on them and I thought I was the bad person when really the bad people were them. Well except for Justin- I felt bad that my friend was coxing him to like her and do things for her when she already was in a committed relationship to her boyfriend for quiet a few years. So I dated him for 4 months. And thinking about all the others, I always went to the broken boys trying to help and fix their issues but ended up breaking their hearts or they breaking mine for trying. A drug addict, pot head, and a nobody that was very manipulative. And the ones I didn't list are the ones I tried with harder than these pathetic people. I tried to right them when they were wrong but I noticed the more asshole, drug doer, macho to into himself and asshole from taking me away to see my friends the more I realized who I wanted to be with and why I did dump their asses in the first place. Because they all were deformed in some way and I was tired for so long trying to help them. I needed someone that could fit all of my values and as tall, a general good person, with a secret naughty side, a fixer around the house (tool man lol) a guy that is a creative thinker and liked art and I really wanted a small dog. And I hadn't even looked up the option to thinking hey, this guy doesn't need to be white. Which is weird because I feel it is so common for whites to be with whites, blacks with blacks and etc. But I finally let my guards down and I was just exploring what was out there in the Okcupid site and just accepting someone to be friends with me. Someone who is like me and can do all the listed above and then some and guess who just finally walks into my life.. I am so freaking thankful for this to finally happen to me. (Look now I've got tears- at least It's for something happy) I have had anger with God as to why I had to go thorough these troubles in my life, but now I see why. It's so I can evolve into something new and beautiful and a tough girl with a sweet heart. The only way to get by in life is to just keep going, just keep moving forward and if life brings you down it's just to make you stronger for the next trivial thing to get in your way; this way you can overcome it and succeed with flying colors.

I am finally ready to take this next step into my life and succeed. I will be in school for 8 years and this time, this is my time to shine and to gradate and to have MY American Dream with James and Lucy and our white picket fence. It may get hard, but remember it's only temporary and YOU WILL succeed. I have faith in you. You now have the motivation to pass all of your classes with those tough teachers and get out of Shepherd. It's YOUR time now and Larissa, you will do GREAT things with your life. All you have to do is trust yourself and pray and believe that you can and you will. I love you.