He always tells me "what do you want to do?" "what do you want to eat?" "it's up to you. It's what he seems to say all of the time. But when he got angry and then later texted me saying "it's like i'm secondary to you" Really? You say you don't care about whatever we do, about how it's All me saying what we should do but it seems like you get VERY upset if it's like that for too long. I mean he's throwing me into a confusing circle. I'm feeling very drained right now. I want to do what he wants to do but it just seems like he has no plans.

Moving on, I'm feeling robotic writing this down because i've thought about it in my head way too long that it seems pointless to think about how this could be bad. But he says he has sexual frustrations. Why? We get each other off all the time. Or like when he's over here he's jerking off. I'm fine with it and i'm fine giving it to him, but i don't like having sex all the time- especially when i'm feeling dirty down there and just not feeling good about myself. I like to feel clean mostly if it does evolve me doing it with him. And sex isn't exactly my first priority after feeling depressed the last few days and freaking out over finals and wether or not i'm going to pass or fail or what i'm going to do with my life. And btw i've asked several times how he's doing with school and the last time we talked anything serious about school he failed to mention to me that he dropped 2 of his classes. And i'm pretty sure it's because he was over here in MD all the time which I love him to be with me and I love that he had helped me tremendously in the beginning to pass math.

It's my own fault that I didn't study like I should have and my fault that I copied and was too lazy to study for the test. My own fault I didn't go to a tutor like I should have. But i was dragging him down with me when I asked him to help me with the test. He's been over in MD a lot which suffered for him and i for school. I told him in the beginning it would be bad if we kept on seeing each other every thursday and he got upset with that idea so we didn't do the idea of us seeing each other every other weekend which in the long run was bad for both of us. Because we both suffered from doing poorly in most classes.

I also don't like that he is saying or it seems like he is saying this is all my fault that I'm treating him like he's secondary. I am like a puppy dog on a leash to him. I want to do whatever he wants to do but it seems like I always have to make up what we do even though I ask him and he just says "whatever you want to do" which frustrates me because now he's saying he's second aka he doesn't get to decide what to do. Which i think is Bull.

I just want to know what is in his head. I don't like that he just runs away from his problems and gets upset. I don't know what the hell he is thinking and it frustrates me that he juste gets upset and drives away. Like I'm supposed to know what he's thinking? If he just told me what's going on then we can figure out how to fix it. How to make me less of a spoiled rotten girl. How to have him make the decisions without getting me upset. I told him in the very beginning how he spoils me so and he said he liked doing that and I like him like him doing that. But I don't like how i'm so spoiled that I can't think for others that I think only for myself sometimes and I used to not be like that. I used to be the giver and like holding doors open for people and I liked being independent in my own way. I don't want to ever break up with him and I want to try so hard making this work but I can't make it work  if he won't open up to me and open up with out getting emotionally upset.

I think we are both just stressed out about finals and moms and what we are going to do with our lives that silly things like sex and he said she said gets in the way about how we hang out together.

I don't know what to say anymore unless I know what's going on in his head. Why he got like this so fast. Why today when he promised he would help me study. I know I didn't even try to study this week but I got depressed. Life was not worth living for me at a time which i can't believe i even thought of that. But that makes me sound so selfish and selfish I don't want to be anymore.

I went to the grave site today right after he left. I prayed to God this time.. not my dad. I said I was sorry for doubting his existence. Deep down I know he has to be there somewhere and that I will pray to him sometimes now. That I'm praying to him today because i have no one else to talk to. The one person I love more than my family is driving back to Richmond and I feel hopeless, I feel like I don't know where to go, what to do, what my purpose is in life. That I need help passing math with at least a D. I just wish James would pick up the phone and talk to me. Express what he's feeling. Say those harsh words that I know to be true. I need him to say it to me so i can learn from my mistakes so i can apologize for being a horrible gf like i've been to every other bf i've been with and to jut start over with my life. I don't know who I am anymore.