The Nothingness of Emptiness

I feel lost. And I am thinking too much. And when I think too much I think to myself; it all just fades to gray. No more wallowing in sadness. No more numbness. No more anything because it all just fades to gray. I drink my worries, my sadness into nothingness. To feel the buzz in my head is to feel nothing. I feel happiest when I am like this. Like the world can be put aside for just one moment of time. But today I feel sadness regardless of this happiness. I feel what my ex felt or feels when he is lost as well. I do not know but I sometimes wonder if this is why he does it. To get lost. To feel lost only for a moment in time. I am lost until I wake up and live for another. My daughter I already live for each and every day. But I am lost until I wake up and live for another besides my daughter. And what am I to do now with my life? I watch, I listen, I read, I search, I dig, I breath... But what does it all amount to? What is my purpose in life?